We have a new saying in our family: “You can never be too thin, or too rich, or have too many cordless telephones.” If our kids can’t think of anything to give us for Christmas, they give us some more cordless phones. We never get rid of the old ones, so I calculated today that we have one cordless phone for each 10 square feet of living space.
With so many phones, you would think we would always be able to find one when somebody calls. But the biggest advantage of a cordless phone – that you can talk on it and carry it all over the house – is also its biggest disadvantage. It is embarrassing how often we don’t find a phone before the answering machine picks up.
Cordless phone manufacturers anticipated this problem so most of them have a “find headset” button. The problem is that when you press it, all of the phones will beep, not just the ones which are missing. But it is better than nothing. This week I have been trying something new. Each morning I try to locate all of the missing phones and put them where they belong. Today was a good day. I found all but one phone, and also found 2 socks, a pair of glasses, a television remote and a set of car keys.
Losing the television remote is a serious problem. Why don’t they make a button on the TV that you can push that will make the remote beep or something? I couldn’t find the remote to our basement TV last night and I had to try to figure out how to use the TV set manually. I was able to turn the power on, but I couldn’t find any other buttons. I have an Instruction Manual but who knows where it is? After 30 minutes I gave up and read a book. It was a tough night.
One of the Holiday Season catalogues advertised a Whistle Remote Control Finder and Locator. If you can’t find your remote, you blow this whistle that comes with the set and your remote beeps so you can find it. I was going to buy one but I was afraid that I would just lose the whistle. Then I would have to buy another whistle to find the Whistle Remote Control Finder and Locator. My brothers and I used to watch reruns of “The Three Stooges” late at night and we always laughed at the commercials for “The Clapper” (Clap on! Clap off!). It showed an elderly couple walking into their dark bedroom. They clap and the lights turn on. Then after they climb into bed they clap again and the lights turn off. The technology is crude, but there is no whistle to lose. I almost always know where my hands are.
Ten or fifteen years from now, I expect we will have voice-activated technology to find things around the house. Missing your keys? Say “Car keys!” A robotic voice will say “Your keys are on the sofa under the red and blue pillow!” They could even make it a game for the kids. Your son could say “Where is the numbchuck for my Wii?” The voice would say, “It’s in your room. . . you are getting warmer. . . no, now you’re colder. . . now you are burning up!”
But until then, I will just have to hope the remote shows up. I did decide to get the Whistle Remote Control Finder and Locator after all. But I have no idea where I put the catalogue. In desperation I clapped my hands. It was worth a try. A robotic voice said “You threw me away before Christmas but another catalogue should arrive next week. You can find the Remote Control Finder on page 43.” I am definitely going to buy one of them.
David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife and 74 cordless phones.