Dinosaurs are in the news again. Leading scientists now say global warming (and not an asteroid) may have caused the extinction of dinosaurs. And the main cause of global warming was, AHEM, dinosaur flatulence. Professor Graeme Ruxton of St Andrews University, Scotland, said the giant animals spent 150 million years emitting the potent global warming gas, methane. The report said:
Large plant-eating sauropods would have been the main culprits because of the huge amounts of greenery they consumed.
The jokes write themselves. In fact the first draft of this column was full of bad puns and raunchy humor. I want to be classy so I cut the cheesy comments (sorry, I kept one bad joke).
The team calculated the animals would have collectively produced more than 520 million tons of methane a year – more than all today’s modern sources put together.
How can scientists know how much methane dinosaurs produced? The study said that scientists calculated the amount of methane emitted by a modern cow (about 50 gallons of methane daily). They used that information to estimate the amount of methane that would have been produced by a giant dinosaur - thousands of gallons of the greenhouse gas each day. The report didn't explain how you measure the methane emitted by cows, but I don't think I really want to know!
How could dinosaurs have produced enough methane to cause global warming? One of the animals, a 90-ton argentinosaurus which measured 140 ft. in length, would have consumed at least half a ton of food in one day. Since Mayor Bloomberg hadn't been born yet, these creatures also drank scores of large sugary drinks each day.
I'm trying to imagine the job posting scientists at St. Andrews University placed on the university website:
Unpaid summer internship available for qualified applicant. Science background preferred. Sense of humor will help. You will take measurements to help determine causes of global warming. Must never have participated in cow tipping. Stuffy nose will help.
If you know any 12 year-old boys interested in science, I recommend showing them this study. Writing about the report has been painful for me. My kids and grandkids will testify that I love them very much and would forgive them for most felonies they might commit. But if they discuss burping or tooting in my house, I will remove them from my will.
The politics surrounding this new study are predictable. Some right-wing groups refuse to accept the results of the study and are known as "Flatulence Deniers." Left-wing groups have been seen with signs reading "Make love, not toots."
The report gravely concludes:
Did the dinosaurs help to wipe themselves out by changing the climate? The implications for the human race are obvious.
I have read the conclusion many times and I have to say that the implications for the human race are not obvious to me. Should we be eating fewer vegetables? Should beans be outlawed? Should we be consuming massive amounts of Bean-O? If you have any ideas please let me know. By the way, I already asked Ted - that guy from down the street - and he didn't know what to think either.
David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado with his wife Mary. Until more is known, they have decided not to eat at any more Mexican restaurants.
2 comments:
You know that only two elements known can change from a solid to a gas: water as ice, and beans.
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