STRUCK BY A DUCK

Have you noticed how difficult it has become to make an appointment with your doctor? When you call, you get a recorded message that always begins “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.” This is for people who call the doctor’s office because they can’t remember the phone number for 911. Then it will say “Please listen carefully to the following options, as they have recently changed.” Five minutes later you finally get to “Press 5 to make an appointment “ – and they put you on hold.

This happened to me yesterday, and while I was on hold I began thinking about “the phone options which have recently changed.” I also called for an appointment last week. Have they changed since then? How often do you change them? Why do you change them? Who decides to change them? Did you hire a sadistic assistant (who has read Fifty Shades of Grey more than a dozen times) to randomly change the options just to mess with us? Who is this assistant and where does he live? Does he have any pets? When I am irritated and on hold, I can go to a very dark place.

The good news is that soon no one in the doctor’s office will have time to change the phone options. They will be too busy learning the medical codes of ICD-10, a new medical classification reference. The doctor uses these codes to record why you were treated (ear infection, kidney stone, etc.).The government decided there were too many situations not covered by the current codes and is increasing the number of codes from about 15,000 to 150,000! Most of the changes make sense, but some of the new codes are very odd. Here are some examples.

W61.62XD: Struck by duck, subsequent encounter. (As one blogger pointed out, maladies that rhyme should be given immediate priority in the ER. I believe the rhyming section of the medical codes was written by the Rev. Jesse Jackson.)

W55.32XA: Struck by other hoof stock, initial encounter.  (In case grandma got run over by a reindeer.)

W55.41XA: Bitten by pig, initial encounter​. (That’s what you get for eating a ham sandwich in a pigpen.)

W62.0XXA: Contact with non-venomous frogs. (Usually involves girls looking for handsome princes.)

V91.07XD: Burn due to water skis on fire, subsequent encounter​.  (Wouldn’t the water prevent a fire? Owner’s manuals now include a warning “not to ride on water skis that are on fire.”)

V95.43: Spacecraft collision injuring occupant. (If the other spacecraft is being driven by an illegal space alien, you’d better hope you have uninsured motorist coverage.)

V97.33XD: Sucked into jet engine, subsequent encounter. (How does this even happen? And how many subsequent encounters can you have with a jet engine before you’re dead?)         

Y93.D: Activities involving arts and handcrafts. (This code was just added because of injuries happening to protesters trying to block employees from entering Hobby Lobby stores. Most of the injuries involved crochet needles or hot glue guns.)

S10.87XA: Other superficial bite of other specified part of neck, initial encounter. (The technical term for this injury is a “hickey”.)

G44.82: Headache associated with sexual activity. (Not tonight honey, I have a code G44.82.)

W22.02XD: Walked into lamppost, subsequent encounter. (This happens when dumb people use smart phones)

V80.731: Occupant of animal-drawn vehicle injured in collision with streetcar. (This is how you know the universe is against you.)

Y92.146: Swimming pool of prison as the place of occurrence of the external cause. (Wait – they have swimming pools in prisons?)

Y92.241: Library as the place of occurrence of the external cause. (For some reason, no University of Colorado student has ever been injured in a library.)

Y92.253: Opera House as the place of occurrence of the external cause. (Opera patrons can get rowdy if the opera is already four hours long and it still ain’t over even though the fat lady has sung.)

Y23.1 Hunting rifle discharge, undetermined intent (The “Dick Cheney’ code.)

R46.1: Bizarre personal appearance. (The “Lady Gaga” code.)

I believe doctors will eventually like ICD-10. Under the old system there were too many situations not covered by a code.

For example, last fall, I had an appointment to get a flu shot at the Doctor’s office.  I parked my car and started walking toward his building.  All of a sudden, a duck darted out of the bushes and ran into my leg.  I tripped and fell, hitting my head on a post.  My hair and clothes were a mess, but I went into his office anyway. 

“Hi,” I said.  “I am here to get a flu shot, but now I think I need to see the Doctor too.”

The receptionist looked at me.  “What happened?”

“Well,” I said, “I was struck by a duck and walked into a lamppost.”

A nurse leaned over and whispered to the receptionist “He certainly has a bizarre personal appearance. I don’t know how we’ll ever code this one.”

David LeSueur lives in Littleton Colorado with his wife, Mary. Their yard is full of bunnies and squirrels, but no ducks.

Things My Parents Said


Researchers in Omaha, Nebraska have confirmed that the advice my parents gave me when I first went out on my own was true: don’t go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. The study showed that people who shop for groceries while hungry tend to choose items with more calories and also buy more junk food. A spokesman for the study recommended eating a snack right before shopping. In case you’re interested in more details, here is the link.

www.reuters.com/article/2013/05/06/us-shop-hungry-idUSBRE9450TF20130506

I was curious whether other things my parents told me were equally true, so I went to the study’s website. As I had hoped, there were a number of helpful reports. Unfortunately, the links to those studies no longer work, so you will have to be satisfied with the summaries I have put together. The statements by my parents are in bold.

Turn off the lights! Do you think I own stock in the electric company? It turns out that 70% of parents who say this actually DO own stock in the electric company, usually through their 401(k) plans.

If everyone else were jumping off of a bridge, would you jump too? Mothers brought in children who were doing something because “everyone else was doing it.” The kids were taken to a bridge and were told that their friends had all jumped off of it. 30% of the children jumped off of the bridge. The ones who survived all said they would never do it again.

Make sure you put on clean underwear before you leave the house. You never know when you might be in an accident and end up in the hospital. The kids in the prior study were used for this one as well. They were all given this advice by their mothers before being brought to the bridge. 80% of them chose to wear clean underwear. Researchers talked to the kids who survived the fall and found that the ones wearing clean underwear were treated better at the hospital. However, no correlation was found between wearing clean underwear and surviving jumping off of a bridge.

How many times do I have to tell you? According to the study, 7 times.

Why? Because I said so! Researchers examined nearly 5000 cases where a mother gave this response to a child and concluded that the mother was justified 100% of the time. Oddly enough, the study provided no data or reasoning to support the claim. I called my own mother to ask her why, and she said “Because I said so!”

Someday you’ll thank me for this. This study was the most requested one by parents in the Omaha area. Researchers followed nearly 25,000 children for 30 years. So far, none of them has thanked their parents for that.

Beds are not made for jumping on. It was determined that it was too dangerous to test this hypothesis on humans. So the Study Center asked a Norwegian animal trainer named Peta to bring in some subjects. Soon there were three little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and broke his head. Peta called the doctor and the doctor said “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!” The study was immediately terminated without reaching a conclusion. I did a Google search on “Beds made for jumping on” and couldn’t find any. This seems like a great opportunity for some entrepreneur out there.

Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up? This study tried to answer two questions. First, how many children actually THOUGHT that the socks were going to pick themselves up? The answer was 21%. Second, how often did the socks ACTUALLY pick themselves up? Disappointingly, that only happened 1% of the time.

There were some other studies, but I don’t remember them and as I said before, the links are no longer working. But if you have any other questions, let me know and I’ll ask my friend Ted who lives down the street. He knows a lot of stuff.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton Colorado with his wife Mary. They always eat their vegetables just in case there are still some kids starving in India.

Scientists at Western Washington University have discovered a technique to get rid of earworms – the technical term for those “annoying tunes that lodge themselves inside our heads and repeat on an endless loop.” They found that you need to do something that takes up space in your brain where earworms reside. Puzzles that tax your brain like anagrams or Sudoku were found to be very effective. Reading a novel worked for some people in the study. “The key is to challenge your brain”, said the lead researcher. “If you don’t use your brain, earworms will likely stick around. That is why none of the teenage boys in the study were ever successful ridding themselves of earworms”.

Scientists discovered that the worst offending songs were those by Lady Gaga, so I decided to try to replicate the study’s results. First, I needed to create an earworm in my head. I bought one of Lady Gaga’s hits, “Born This Way”, and listened to it ten times in a row. Sure enough, the chorus kept playing in my head – a definite earworm. Next, I did something that wouldn’t challenge my brain – I watched an episode of “The View” my wife had recorded. As predicted by the study, when the show ended, the Lady Gaga chorus was still playing in my head. Finally, I tried to do something that would challenge my brain to see if it would get rid of my annoying earworm. So I watched the same episode of “The View” and this time I tried to follow Joy Behar’s logic. That taxed my brain so much that the Lady Ga Ga tune was gone in 47 seconds.

However, there is a dark side to the study of earworms. In 2009, Mr. Jess Marker, a man confined to a wheelchair, went to Disneyland with his family. At exactly 3:34 p.m. he got on the popular ride “It’s a Small World”. In case you have never been to Disneyland, “It’s a Small World” has been described as a “motorized boat ride that features over 300 brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls in the style of children of the world, frolicking in a spirit of international unity, and singing the attraction's title song, which has a theme of global peace.” The song and its catchy lyrics (“It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small, small world”) are sung over and over and over . . . and over and over again. Unfortunately, the boats broke down while Mr. Marker was inside. Everyone exited except for poor Mr. Marker. Disneyland had neglected to provide a way for wheelchairs to leave the attraction. It only took 30 minutes for mechanics to repair the boats, but by that time the 300 brightly costumed audio anatomic dolls in the style of children of the world were inspiring feelings other than a spirit of international unity or a theme of global peace. The man’s attorney estimates that Mr. Marker heard the “Small World” song 182 times! He was traumatized and reportedly had an earworm for three days. He sued Disneyland and was awarded $8,000 for his trouble.

By now, you certainly are humming “It’s a Small World” to yourself and for that I am truly sorry. But I hope you will be willing to participate in a follow-up study by Western Washington University. You see, no one in their original study could find a technique to get rid of the “Small World” earworm. I promised the researchers that I would pass along any information I received.DO NOT listen to the actual music for more than ten minutes as serious harm might occur. The United States military now plays “It’s a Small World” continuously as a part of its enhanced interrogations. Don’t worry, this particular earworm is not dangerous and should go away by itself in three or four days. In the meantime, however, I recommend that you not operate any heavy equipment or make any important life decisions.

David LeSueur lives with his wife Mary in Littleton, Colorado. Those of you old enough to remember Jess Marker – I mean Fess Parker – are probably now singing the theme song to “Davy Crockett” to yourself.” (“Born on the mountaintop in Tennessee . . .”)

What I Have Learned From MS

It is fashionable to say "Everything happens for a reason." So what is the reason that I have MS? One school of thought is that bad things happen to pay us back for sins we commit. If that is true, then I am sure I have MS because of some things I did in 2nd grade. It bugged me back then that Doug Boudinot would always punch me in the arm. So one day I punched him back as hard as I could and it made him cry (my friends said that was a "disproportionate response"). And once Bill Wolleck said Cathy Overman had cooties and I didn't step up to defend her. And finally I feel bad about those times Marc Morningstar wanted to play after school but I watched baseball on TV instead. Yes, I was a pretty bad kid and may deserve having MS.

I believe, however, that many bad things which happen to us are simply random events. I am not sure everything happens for a reason, but I do try to find Reason in everything that happens. I would prefer not to have MS, but as long as I have it, I might as well learn something from the experience. Two lessons come to mind.

My wife and I recently went shopping at the mall. We parked the car and headed toward the front doors. There were a couple of raunchy-looking kids riding their skateboards around the entrance. I found myself humming the tune from "Bye Bye Birdie" which asks "Kids! What's the matter with kids today? . . .Why can't they be like we were perfect in every way?"

We headed toward the handicapped entrance where there were two sets of doors. I planned on pushing the button which automatically opens both sets of doors . Just before I reached the doors, however, these two kids raced over and cut in front of us. "I can't believe how thoughtless these kids are" I muttered to my wife. One kid opened the first set of doors. The other kid went through and opened the second set of doors. They both smiled and held the doors for us to enter the mall. I clearly had misjudged these kids.

That happens all the time to me. People want to help. I am not naive enough to think that everyone is good, but I get to see the best side of most people. So the first thing I have learned from having MS is that most people are good.
The five-year-old son of one of our friends was watching me in my wheelchair and asked "Why can't you walk?" I never know how much to explain to people especially when they're only five years old. I started with the simple answer "I have a disease called Multiple Sclerosis." He kept looking at me like my answer wasn't complete enough for him, so I explained how MS interrupts the messages from the brain to various parts of the body. He still seemed interested so I told him about how the myelin sheath around my nerves was damaged and how some nerves in my spinal cord didn't work and that's why I couldn't walk. He nodded and smiled. I was proud of my explanation. I imagined he was going to say "Thank you Mr. LeSueur for that wonderful explanation. It was so clear that you have inspired me to become a doctor. I think I will do research and when I discover a cure for MS I will give you all of the credit."

I looked at him, waiting for him to speak. He looked at me, held up his hand, pointed to a band aid and said "I hurt my thumb."

So the second lesson having MS has taught me is that everyone has problems. Some struggle with physical ailments like me. Others battle depression, try to cope with the death of a loved one or experience financial issues. I am much more aware than I used to be of other people's problems. That may just be because people are more comfortable sharing their problems with me because I have MS. It may be that having MS has made me more sensitive. But life is not easy for anyone. Even people who seem to have it all -- professional athletes, movie stars and other celebrities -- often struggle with the sudden fame and fortune that is thrust upon them.

People are good. We all have problems. And there is a third lesson I have learned. If someone asks you whether you want to have MS or be cursed with sudden fame and fortune, choose the sudden fame and fortune option.

Cell Phones Big Buttons

All of the sales staff in the Apple Store looked like little kids. We were working with one who looked 14 – 14½ tops. “So you’d like to buy a new iPhone 5?”

“Yes, we’d like one for my wife, but I just want something simple. My fingers and hands don’t work very well anymore. I need big buttons, not a touchscreen.”

He stroked the peach fuzz on his chin, deep in thought. “I’ve never heard of a phone with big buttons.”

There was a picture on the wall behind him of a woman with the caption “Hi, I’m Klare, the Store Manager. Let me know if I can help you!” She looked confident, knowledgeable, experienced. She looked at least 22. “Can I talk to your manager? Maybe she’ll have an idea.”

Thirty seconds later, Klare was there, ready to help. “I just need a cell phone,” I said. “I don’t care about a touchscreen or the internet or texting or talking to Siri or any of those extra things. And it has to have big buttons.”

“I’ve never seen a phone like that, but I’ve read about them on Wikipedia.” It was reassuring that Klare had done so much research at such an authoritative source. I could see why she was the Store Manager. “You might be able to find one on Ebay. The only problem is that often the seller doesn’t have the cords anymore.”

My wife and I looked at each other and smiled. Our kids make fun of us because we have two boxes in the basement containing every electrical cord we have ever owned. It would be sweet revenge if we actually got to use one of them!

Once home, I got on the internet and started to go to Ebay when I had a better idea. I googled “Cell Phones Big Buttons”. Exactly .29 seconds later I had about 1,830,000 results and bought the first phone on the list.
I’ve had the phone about a week now and really like it, but clearly, its target audience is much older than I. For example, the phone gets FM radio reception. Only people over the age of 80 would think that was cool. (Mabel: “George, the cell phone comes with FM radio!” George: “Mabel, what in tarnation is FM?”) The ring tones that come with the phone are a phone ring from the 1920s, the Andy Griffith theme song and “Chattanooga Choo Choo”. The cool great-grandpas can also choose “Dragnet”, “Hawaii Five-0” and “James Bond”. It also has a special “funeral mode” which automatically changes the ring tone to “Amazing Grace”. The ring tone volume is adjustable, but even the softest level is louder than an infomercial in the middle of the night.

There is also a keen safety feature which only people of a certain age can appreciate. If you can’t wait for help to arrive if you dialed 911, there is a big red button on the back of the phone you can use to call for more immediate help. When you push the button, a VERY loud voice yells for help. The three standard yells you can choose from are “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”, “Help! I have no idea what I’m doing here!” and ”Help! Someone stole my clothes!” You can also record a custom message. Mine says “Help! I can’t find my TV remote!”

You may think my message is silly, but you would be wrong. Just the other day, I called Comcast to get some help with a technical issue we were having. The woman on the phone fixed my problem, then asked helpfully “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Well, do you know where my TV remote is?”

“The one upstairs or the one in the basement?”

“The one upstairs.”

“Did you look under the red pillow on the sofa?”

Sure enough it was there! So you just never know.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado with his wife Mary. He still has his TV remote, but is missing a brown dress sock. Could someone from Comcast please call him?