My life last week was dominated by a bout with a kidney stone. When I told people about it, I got three reactions. Men would wince and say “Ouch! I feel for you, man!” Women who have not had babies would put their arm on my shoulder and say “I’m so sorry. . . I hear that they are very painful.” Women who have had babies would punch me in the arm and say “Multiply this by ten and you’ll know what childbirth feels like!”

This last reaction is disturbing on a number of levels. I mean, what good is having a lot of pain if you can’t get some sympathy for it? And once again I play what I think is a winning card – the pain of a kidney stone – and I am trumped by childbirth. The worst thing is that I know women are right. There is nothing I can say.

When I was first married, I believed in the Childbirth-Isn’t-So-Bad Theory. I postulated that childbirth was actually not painful and in fact felt good, but every woman from the beginning of time was part of a Vast Female Conspiracy and agreed to tell men it hurt like crazy so they could have this Thing to hold over us. So far, no woman had ever betrayed The Code, but I was certain it was only a matter of time before someone spilled the beans. If Jack Bauer were real, he could torture someone until she confessed.

Now that I am older, I have concluded that the Childbirth-Really-Hurts Theory does a better job of explaining experimental data. Unfortunately, this new theory leads to three corollaries:

Corollary #1: Childbirth trumps everything.

In bridge, the order of card suits from lowest to highest is clubs, diamonds, hearts, spades and then childbirth. No matter what the situation is, women can play the childbirth card and win. There is no limit to the number of trump cards they can have, nor is there an expiration date on any of the cards.

Woman: Honey, the baby is crying. Will you bring him in for me?
Man: It is 3 o’clock in the morning and I have to get up for work in two hours.
Woman: I know, but it has only been a few weeks since he was born and I am still kind of sore from Childbirth.

Woman: Sweetie, can you fix your own dinner tonight?
Man: But I have strep throat and my broken leg is in a cast!
Woman: But it has only been a year since Childbirth and I am not feeling too well!

Woman: Hey! I am mad at you today!
Man: Why? What did I do?
Woman: Childbirth!

Corollary #2: All conversations can be turned into a discussion of childbirth.

In a recent study, conversations between women turned to childbirth on average within 5 minutes and 23 seconds. If there were men present, it took slightly longer, an average of 8 minutes and 43 seconds. Some examples:

Woman #1: Did you hear Susan had her baby after only one hour of labor?
Woman #2: That’s not fair, my labor lasted six days and . . .

Man: I had a terrible headache yesterday.
Woman: I’ll bet it was nothing like childbirth. Just imagine a giant vise. . . .

Man: How about them Broncos?
Woman: I wonder how horses can stand having babies without drugs? With my last baby they didn’t give me an epidural until. . .

Corollary #3: You can talk about anything in mixed company as long as it involves childbirth.

Man: So how are you feeling?
Woman #1: I’d rather not talk about it – female stuff you know.
Woman #2: I know what you mean. Since I had my baby 3 weeks ago, you wouldn’t believe what has been happening to me. My hormones are so messed up that . . . “

Man: Let’s watch a movie! I see you have “Sound of Music” on your shelf.
Woman: Oh, that is a little risqué for me. Hey, I have a video of me giving birth! Let’s watch it!
Man: Uh. . . I think the Women’s Figure Skating Championships are on. I’d really hate to miss them. Or we could see if there is a good movie on the Lifetime Channel.

There is one way that childbirth is better than having a kidney stone. After all of the work and effort and pain of childbirth, at least you get a cute baby. All I have to show for my kidney stone pain is a little pebble in a bottle on the shelf in my office. I wanted to name it, but I am not sure how to tell if it is a boy or a girl.