I saw a news report the other day on the local news that I had a hard time believing. But it was reported by their medical correspondent, Dr. Dave Hnida, so it must be true. Scientists have been studying the factors that affect a child’s intelligence and concluded that women with hourglass figures tend to have smarter children.
Yes, you heard correctly. They determined that having a narrow waist and large hips produces certain enzymes that promote brain cell production in the children they bear. I didn’t hear all of the details because I was laughing too hard.
How and why did someone decide to study this? I imagine that scientists were sitting around discussing factors that influence intelligence like genes, environment, exposure to books, and economic status. Then someone said, “Hey, why don’t we see if women who have figures like Jennifer Lopez have smarter children than women with figures like Calista Flockhart?” Naturally all of the female scientists said, “Yes, we have always suspected that having large hips was good for our children’s IQ!” And of course all of the men volunteered to conduct the research.
How was the data collected? Did researchers interview women and collect statistics about their children’s grades, and then secretly rate the mom’s figure on the amount of hourglassness? Or did they send out questionnaires asking women about the intelligence of their children, whether they are involved at the school, and oh by the way, what are your measurements?
This study does make me feel better about the nature of men. Before, I just thought men were base creatures who were attracted to certain kinds of women for selfish reasons related to base animal instincts. But these findings prove that in reality, men are just reacting to their altruistic, unselfish and noble desires to improve the human race by producing smart children.
The clever men among us can also use this study to our advantage if our eyes wander when we are with our wives or girl friends. To prepare for this column, I decided to test a few ideas. So last week I went to the mall and purposely looked at all of the pretty girls. When my wife finally caught me staring at an attractive woman, I turned to my wife and said, “I was only looking at her because I was amazed at how intelligent her children must be.”
How effective was that particular line? Well, that was two days ago, and as soon as my wife is speaking to me again, I will ask her opinion.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife. They have very intelligent children.