I have always wanted to be a protester at a political rally but have never had the opportunity. Since the Democrat National Convention is here in Denver next week, I thought this would be a good time to get my feet wet. I went to the bookstore and bought Political Agitating for Dummies. It says there are four easy steps to being a successful demonstrator.
Step 1: Choose a Cause. It turns out that choosing an issue to demonstrate about is not that easy. Being a protestor takes courage because you usually are taking a position in favor of something everyone else is against (like love or peace) or against something everyone else is in favor of (like poverty or war). I decided to choose world peace as my issue. I am somewhat of an expert on this because a number of years ago I read an article about the McDonald’s Peace Theory. The author noted that no two nations with McDonald’s restaurants had ever gone to war with each other. He said that if we just put McDonalds in all of the nations of the world, wars would end.
Step 2: Find a Solution. I recognized the flaws in the McDonald’s Peace Theory, and have spent a lot of time thinking about how to improve on his ideas. I think I have come up with a plan that truly would end all wars. I was inspired by my 9th grade Algebra teacher who said that Algebra is good training for national leaders. It involves finding solutions to problems with many variables and multiple unknowns (though in Algebra, unlike real life, if a question has you stumped, you can find answers to the odd-numbered problems in the back of the book).

So here is how I would bring about world peace. Require all world leaders to take an Algebra class together. How would that help? In all of the history of the world, can you think of an example where two leaders were in the same algebra class and then later went to war with each other? I couldn’t think of any cases either.
Step 3: Make Some Signs With Catchy Slogans. I already have made some protest signs (but no protest cosines, ha ha):
“Give Algebra a Chance”
“Make Story Problems, Not War”
“X-3 Is Never the Answer”
“No Quadratic Equations for Oil.”

Let me know if you can think of some others.

Step 4: Find a Venue for Your Protest. You have to have permission to protest at the DNC. I filled out the application with the City of Denver. They asked for my background, my cause and what I planned to do. If approved, the City sends you a permit and for security reasons tells you the exact location where you can demonstrate. My understanding is that the DNC has final say on the locations of the protesters. The more serious your cause and credentials, the closer to the DNC events you are allowed.

I received my permit to demonstrate at the DNC yesterday. The specific location they assigned to me was a public park in Omaha, Nebraska.

I could be insulted, but I realize that I am just a rookie agitator and have to pay my dues to earn those prime demonstrator spots. I probably won’t get much press coverage, but if you are watching TV and see a guy in a McDonalds in Omaha teaching Algebra to future world leaders, that will be me.

David LeSueur temporarily lives in a tent in Omaha, Nebraska.