I bought a new car and it has one of those GPS systems in it. I had seen them before but this was the first one I had tried to use. The map mode is easy. Your car is represented by a little triangle and you can watch yourself moving on the map. It also has a function where you input your destination and a soothing female voice (I call her Marilyn) tells you when to turn and how to get there. (Great – one more excuse for men to not ask for directions.) Why a female voice? The designers probably assume men are used to hearing a woman giving them directions. I will have to retrain myself because I have learned to tune out my wife telling me where to go.

My wife was going to drive to King Soopers to buy some eggs last week. I volunteered to go for her because I wanted to try to figure out how to use the GPS for directions. I got into the car, turned on the GPS and opened the instruction manual. You can input the destination address or choose from a big list of businesses and points of interest. After 10 minutes of reading the manual and playing with the GPS, I still had not found any listing for King Soopers, so I would have to find the address. I called home.

“Hi honey! Hey, what is the address for King Soopers?”
“Don’t you know how to get there?
“Of course, but I am trying to learn to use the GPS thing and I have to input the address.”
“OK. So where are you?”
“I’m in the car.”
“I know you’re in the car. I mean where are you?”
“Umm. . . I am still in the garage.”

I can’t remember exactly what she said but I think it was something like she was glad I didn’t risk great bodily harm by walking from the garage into the house and that she wasn’t doing anything very important anyway, and she would love to look up the address so I could spend my time playing with this useful GPS system. After she had the address of my destination, Marilyn calculated the quickest way to get there. She doesn’t actually say the names of streets, but will say “In 500 feet, turn right” and the map will show you the name of the street. If you miss a turn, Marilyn knows it and will usually say “Make U-Turn and proceed to route.” If you don’t get back on course in a given amount of time, she recalculates a route from where you are. She got me to King Soopers and I bought the eggs and returned to the car. I was about to enter our home address and ask Marilyn to give me directions when I remembered a warning from the owner’s manual: “WARNING – DO NOT PROGRAM SYSTEM WHILE IN A KING SOOPERS PARKING LOT. FINDING THE MOST DIRECT ROUTE TO LEAVE THE PARKING LOT IS BEYOND THE SOPHISTICATION OF THIS SYSTEM. WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE ON THE STREET TO BEGIN PROGRAM!” Once I was back on Ken Caryl Avenue heading west toward Ken Caryl Valley, I put our address in and started the program. I was so busy paying attention to the GPS that I forgot that the right hand lane was right turn only and I had to get on C-470 going North. It says C-470 West but I know better. Marilyn said “Make U-Turn, if possible.” She apparently didn’t know about the signs on C-470 that say “Keep Off the Median.” When I didn’t turn around, she recalculated directions to home. “Exit Freeway in 2 miles” she pleaded. That made sense. The next exit was Bowles Avenue, and I could turn around and go south on C-470 East. Traffic was bumper-to-bumper in the right lane, but no one was in the left lane, so I pulled out and began speeding past everyone. Then I saw the sign that said “Left lane closed 5 miles ahead. Merge right.” This was Colorado, so people merge as soon as they see the sign, no matter how many hundreds of miles ahead the lane closure is. I was going 65 in the left lane while everyone else was crawling along in the right lane. People were staring at me angrily so I tried not to look at anyone. I needed to get in the right lane, so I turned on my right turn signal. Cars just bunched closer together. They weren’t going to let me in. After all, I was a cheater! I passed the Bowles exit. “If possible, make u-turn” Marilyn asked. I wasn’t positive, but I sensed a bit of irritation in her voice.

Marilyn recalculated a new route home and announced, “Exit freeway 2 miles ahead.” That would be Quincy. I slowed down to make it easier to merge into the right lane. Finally, I saw an opening in front of a big truck and I darted in. Hurray! I exited on Quincy. For some reason, Marilyn wanted me to go home on Simms. I wanted to take the freeway. I made a U-Turn on Quincy and headed back to C-470. “If possible, make U-Turn” Marilyn said. I finally lost my temper. “I just made a U-turn!!” I yelled back at Marilyn. She came unhinged. “Where the %@#* do you think you’re going? Find a gas station and ask for directions!”

The trip home was tense. Neither of us said a word. Ten minutes later, I turned left onto my street and Marilyn announced, “Destination on left.” My house was actually on the right, but I didn’t want to start another argument, so I pulled into the driveway of our across-the-street neighbors and turned off the car. Sometimes the key to a successful relationship is compromising, even when you are right.