Recently I was watching a program on TBS and was surprised to hear one of the characters use a word that I thought was not allowed on network TV. I expected to hear it on HBO or in the halls at Chatfield High School, but not on TBS. I wasn’t offended, just surprised. Some things in our culture come and go. Skirts get shorter, then longer, then shorter again. Sideburns are in then out. Even bell-bottom pants periodically are fashionable. But ever since Clark Gable uttered a swear word at the end of “Gone With the Wind”, cursing has only grown more common. If Abbott and Costello had written their “Who’s On First” routine today, the shortstop of the St. Louis Cardinals would have had a more profane name than “I Don’t Give a Darn.”
Swearing is no longer associated only with sailors and major league baseball managers. Businessmen and women and even children can curse in public too. So I am a little embarrassed to make this confession: I have never uttered a swear word aloud in my whole life. As I write this, that is 21,045 days in a row. Admittedly the first few years of my life don’t count much because I didn’t say any words at all. But a streak is a streak!
It kind of happened accidentally. In 6th grade a friend of mine asked if I had ever said a certain word. When I said I hadn’t, he offered me $5 to say it. I refused. In retrospect I am glad he didn’t offer me $6 – it might have changed the course of my life forever.
I called the Guinness World Book of Records and they have agreed to start a new category for “Consecutive Days of Not Swearing.” The rules are simple. We first came up with a comprehensive list of forbidden words. I am not allowed to say any of them out loud. Thinking them is OK. I can read swear words in a book as long as I don’t say them out loud. I am also not allowed to write swear words. I can write @#&%, but not the actual words. To verify the record I will need to have a note from my mother and a sworn statement from my wife and children and three friends. Well, maybe a “sworn statement” is not the right term, but you know what I mean.
Keeping the streak alive sometimes causes me some awkward moments. For example, a few years ago Chatfield High School performed the musical about a Washington Senators baseball fan who sells his soul to the devil so he can become a star player and lead the Senators to defeat the hated Yankees. But the title of the musical contains a forbidden word, so I couldn’t say the title out loud. Instead, I had to tell friends we were going to see Chatfield’s production of “Darn Yankees.” I felt kind of silly, but I wasn’t about to blow the streak on a dumb musical!
There are some advantages to not swearing. It has increased my vocabulary because I have to use other words to describe how I am feeling rather than resorting to cuss words. Little old ladies pat me on the head and call me a good boy. If I ever do swear, it will have a much stronger impact than if I routinely used that word. Finally, it is also an incentive to refrain from drinking or using drugs that might lower my inhibitions. In fact, I am not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of being in so much pain that they will give me a lot of morphine and that I will be out of my mind and swear, thus breaking my streak!
It would take a lot more than $5 today to make me swear. I am not sure of my exact price, but if the devil offered to make me a star outfielder for the Colorado Rockies and lead them to victory in the World Series, I would gladly say the name of that musical as many times as needed. Heck (pardon the expression), I would make the deal just to get them 4 games above .500.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton and is still working on his %#$@ streak.