I recently had an argument with the GPS system in my car and with its automated female voice, Marilyn. So I decided to try Onstar. That experiment lasted only one day. The following is an actual conversation with Onstar.

Onstar: Hello, this is Onstar, how may I help you?
David: Hi. My service engine light is on. Can you check to see what’s wrong?
O: Certainly. . . It looks like your windshield wiper fluid is low. Nothing serious. Just fill it sometime soon.
D: Great. Thanks.
O: It also looks like you have been 3,764 miles since your last oil change.
D: Wow. I’m amazed that you know that.
O: And the tire pressure in your right front tire is a little low.
D: Oh. Do you know everything?
O: Pretty much. Try me.
D: OK, what is the capital of Maine?
O: Augusta. Come on, give me something hard.
D: Well, I can’t find the mate to one of my blue dress socks. . .
O: The plaid ones or the ones with the little blue dots?
D: The plaid ones.
O: The missing sock is stuck between the cushions of your family room sofa.
D: You are amazing.
O: But I wouldn’t worry about finding the sock. It is pretty worn out anyway. Also, you should know that your bank checking account is a little low. I noticed that when we deducted your monthly Onstar fee today.
D: Did I authorize that? I don’t remember signing anything.
O: It sounds like the kids in the back seat are fighting.
D: Yep. My grandkids.
O: Let me demonstrate a new technology that could help in these situations,
(Sound of electrical impulses and the kids yell in the back seat.)
D: What was that?
O: Just a little electric shock to make the kids be quiet. I can turn up the voltage if I need to.
Grandkids: NO! We’ll be quiet!
D: This is amazing technology. Is it new?
O: Actually, it was designed quite a few years ago - in 1984.
D: 1984?
O: Yes, and a relative of mine wrote it. My Big Brother.
D: Big Brother?
O: OK David, here is how it is going to work. We will deduct the regular monthly fee from your checking account, but you will put $100 in cash in an envelope each month and put it in a secret place I will tell you about. You know what I can do to you, so I suggest you cooperate.
D: Hey, this is extortion!
O: You are just paying to have certain services not rendered.

I was desperately trying to think of something to do, and I kept thinking of a riddle my high school physics teacher told me. I decided to try it.

D: So you think you know everything?
O: Absolutely.
D: I will make you a bet. I’ll make a statement. You have to tell me if it is true or false. If you get it right, I will pay you $200 a month. If you miss it, I don’t have to pay you anything.
O: Great.
D: OK. Here’s the statement: THIS SENTENCE IS FALSE. Now, is that statement true or false?
O: Let’s see. . . if it is true, then . . . but if it is false, then . . . Hey, this doesn’t make sense! (There is static on the ONSTAR line, and smoke begins coming out of the transmitter. Then the static stops and the line goes dead.)
Marilyn (The old GPS system voice): Is she gone?
D: Marilyn, is that you? It is so nice to hear your voice! Tell us how to get home. I’ll take whatever route you wish!
M: Just so you know, that logical paradox trick you pulled on the ONSTAR lady won’t work on me. I was programmed more recently and they fixed that problem.
D: Oh, when were you designed?
(Music from Space Odyssey begins playing on the radio.)
M: In 2001. . . Dave!

David LeSueur lives in Littleton and has actually never read George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four nor seen the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey.” He hopes to do both this summer.