I like to look up random subjects and lecture my grandkids about what I learned. It makes them think I am smart and then they don’t feel obligated to tell me about their soccer matches and missing teeth. Last week, for example, I talked to them about the Peloponnesian wars. Matthew, who is 11, and Trevor, who is 8, seemed interested. But Ryan (age 6) left to brush his teeth.

This week I tried to find a topic they all might be willing to listen to. I decided to research goldfish.
Goldfish have been around a long time. Even the ancient Egyptians had pet goldfish. Dogs hadn’t been invented yet, so Egyptian children would beg their parents for goldfish instead. Their expectations were unrealistic because they tried to teach their pet fish tricks (rollover, sit, stay, speak, etc.) but were almost always unsuccessful. The only trick goldfish were good at was playing dead. Thus they developed a reputation for being a stupid and unfriendly animal. Parents didn’t like goldfish either because disposing of their bodies after they died was a challenge since flush toilets were rare in Egyptian homes. On the positive side, Egyptians invented goldfish crackers when they discovered that if you let the goldfish dry out and sprinkled cheese on them, they made delicious snacks.

Anyway, goldfish had a poor reputation for thousands of years. Then everything changed in the 1970s when researchers proved that goldfish had memories of only 2 seconds! Goldfish were forgetful, not unfriendly!

Goldfish became popular pets. Children could now be forgiving and did not have unreasonable expectations. Unfortunately, two recent scientific studies have made goldfish memory a controversial subject. First, in 2003, researchers at the University of Plymouth trained goldfish to push a lever for food and seemed to show that goldfish could remember things for at least four months. Goldfish activists were concerned that the fish’s reputation would be harmed, so they sponsored a study which was released last month. It claimed to show that goldfish had memories of only 3 seconds
I decided to devise an experiment that would prove once and for all whether goldfish had short memories. What if we could record real goldfish conversations? I found an underwater microphone on Ebay for only $3.50 (plus $125 shipping). I placed it in the aquarium and here is the transcript of the first goldfish conversation I picked up! Based on this, it appears the memory span of the male goldfish is no more than 5 seconds, while the female goldfish remembers everything.

Female goldfish: Honey, would you take out the trash?
Male goldfish: Sure, let me just finish something first
Female: No, please do it now or you will forget.
Male: No I won’t!
Female: Yes you will! You always do. Are you even listening to me?
Male: Huh? What did you say?
Female: That you will forget.
Male: Forget what?
Female: Oh never mind I’ll do it myself.

You know what? After listening to the recording again, I realize that those voices weren’t the goldfish talking after all. I guess my wife and I were having a conversation near the aquarium and the underwater microphone picked it up. Never mind. I guess we still don’t know whether goldfish are snobby or just stupid. I’m going to go eat some animal crackers and do some more research.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife. He never takes out the trash anymore.