Hello. My name is David and I like watching Oprah. They say the first step to overcoming an addiction is to admit you have a problem.

It started innocently enough. I retired 3 years ago and for the first time was home all day with my wife Mary. She liked watching Oprah and I wanted to do things with her, so sometimes I would watch too. This is called social Oprah-watching. Pretty soon, I watched every time she did

I gave my wife a subscription to O magazine. Soon I was reading every issue cover-to-cover. I looked forward to her book club selections. I went online and signed up for Oprah Alerts.

One day I watched Oprah alone. After that I never missed an episode. I watched it with Mary or by myself. I tried to hide it, but my actions were making my friends and family suspicious. I became a better listener. I used words like “win-win” and “soul mate.” I encouraged my wife and children to “find out who they really were.” I began watching Gilmore Girls and cried when Lorelei and Rory got back together.

Mary planned a camping trip in the mountains. She thought it would be good for our relationship. Oprah was having some particularly good shows that week so I secretly set the DVR to record them all. We returned Sunday evening and I knew I had a problem when the next night I watched Oprah episodes instead of Monday night football! They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you get the courage to change. I had reached that point.

I had heard about a group when I used to watch ESPN. It is called GLOA (pronounced “G-Lo”) – Guys who Like Oprah Anonymous. I looked them up in the phone book and called. They had a meeting Tuesday nights at Home Depot.

The GLOA meeting was very helpful. I didn’t watch Oprah for 3 weeks. It helped that Mary also didn’t watch either. One day I told Mary she could watch Oprah without me. I went to the garage and intended to work on the car. I heard Oprah’s voice from the other room. The temptation was too great. I fell off the wagon.

I called my GLOA sponsor and told him I had watched Oprah that afternoon.

“The episode showing women how to find the right bra size?” he asked.

“That’s the one.” I said.

“Don’t worry about it. That one doesn’t count. Remember the GLOA preamble? We recite it at the beginning of each meeting. Let’s say it together.”

I pulled a card out of my wallet because I didn’t know it by heart yet. “Guys Who Like Oprah Anonymous is a fellowship of men who meet at Home Depot each week to share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to stop watching Oprah (unless it involves bras or swimsuits). Our primary purpose is to encourage manly behavior like drinking beer, playing softball, building stuff with our hands and then blowing it up.”

I learned that ESPN bought the rights to that episode of Oprah and will be showing it later this month. I will be sure to watch it because it that will be the last Oprah episode I will see until her spring show about finding the right swimsuit.