As a big fan of the TV series” 24”, I was very disappointed when the writers strike forced the cancellation of this season. Fortunately, I have a friend whose friend’s cousin’s brother-in-law knows someone who works on the script. So I have obtained a plot summary for the 2008 season that we missed. As you may know the protagonist, Jack Bauer, works for the government’s Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) in Los Angeles. Each season, Jack spends 24 hours saving the country from a terrorist threat (each hour of the day is an episode during the season). In previous seasons, the terrorists have hailed from different parts of the world, representing diverse political and ethnic groups. However, the show has carefully avoided any reference to the most obvious group of terrorists. It is the proverbial elephant in the room. Are they afraid of riots? Have the producers been threatened with bodily harm? Or are they just being politically correct? Well, finally in 2008, the “24” producers were going to confront the terrorist threat that is on the mind of all Americans. The 2008 season was going to deal with a terrorist threat from radical Lutherans. Here is the plot summary:
6:00 - 7:00 a.m. A newspaper in Muncie, Indiana publishes an unflattering photo of Martin Luther. Lutheran youths around the country take to the streets.
7:00 – 8:00 a.m. Jack Bauer is called to a meeting at CTU. They discuss the potential threats that could occur from the Lutheranists – nuclear weapons, biological agents, assassinations of world leaders, etc. Jack is asked to organize the effort to prevent any such attacks.
8:00 – 9:00 a.m. A video surfaces on the internet featuring a balding fat guy named Al Swenson. He threatens to unleash Lutheran youth groups on the country unless the government builds a new football stadium for the Minnesota Vikings.
9:00-10:00 a.m. For the first time in many years, Jack goes to his good friend Superman’s apartment to ask for help. Superman, who has always admired Jack, is just getting up and answers the door wearing Jack Bauer pajamas. Jack explains how an offensive photo of Luther has Lutheran radicals upset. When Jack clarifies that the photo was of Martin Luther, not Lex Luthor, Superman loses interest and goes back to bed.
10:00-11:00 a.m. Al Swenson calls CTU. Jack tells him that the President, a Green Bay Packers fan, refuses to build the football stadium Al is demanding. There is an audible gasp from CTU agents as Al announces Lutheranists will toilet paper all of the government buildings in the country.
11:00-noon Jack rounds up the parents of all of the rioting Lutheran youths and prepares to torture them until they cooperate. He is disappointed when they all volunteer to help CTU without any coercion.
Noon-1:00 p.m. Lutherans Against Idiotic Radicals (LAIR) contact CTU and offer to help round up terrorists.
1:00-2:00 p.m. Lutheran youths begin to toilet paper government buildings.
2:00-3:00 p.m. People become worried about a toilet paper shortage. Sheryl Crow is recruited to encourage people to conserve toilet paper. She writes hit song “When You Poo, 2 Sheets Will Do.”
3:00-4:00 p.m. The President of the United States comes on TV to explain that we should not blame the terrorists for their actions because they are bitter youth, disappointed that their Baptist friends have better IPODs, and, as a result, cling to guns, religion and terrorism.
4:00-5:00 p.m. Jack misses this episode because the actor playing him (Kiefer Sutherland) is a contestant on Dancing With the Stars. The writers aren’t sure how many weeks Jack will be gone – it depends on how long Kiefer lasts on the ballroom dancing show.
5:00-6:00 p.m. Kiefer is voted off Dancing With the Stars after one week because he threatens to torture the judges if they don’t give him good scores. Jack returns to “24” and brings in the head of Grandmothers Against Lutheran Separatists (GALS). He intends to torture her until she agrees to cooperate. Once again, he doesn’t get to torture anyone because her organization already was helping CTU.
6:00-7:00 p.m. Lutheran parents, grandmothers and friends of rioting youths stop the terrorists and make them clean up all of the toilet paper. Then the kids have to go to their rooms without any supper.
7:00-8:00 p.m. Era of religious cooperation begins. Louis Farrakhan converts to Judaism and changes his name to Murray Finkelstein. Survey reveals 90% of Evangelicals would now vote for Mitt Romney. American Muslims volunteer to be searched before boarding any aircraft. Hell freezes over.
8:00-9:00 p.m. The Amish organize a stadium-raising. Tens of thousands of people flock to Minnesota and build a football stadium for the Vikings.
9:00-10:00 p.m. There are still 8 hours left in the day, the terrorist threat has already been stopped and a football stadium has been built. Producers decide to show reruns of “I Love Lucy” for the rest of the season and change the name of the show to “18”. To pass the time, Jack shows the CTU staff a tape of his appearance on “Dancing With the Stars”, finally achieving his goal of torturing people.
David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife, Mary.