STRUCK BY A DUCK

Have you noticed how difficult it has become to make an appointment with your doctor? When you call, you get a recorded message that always begins “If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911.” This is for people who call the doctor’s office because they can’t remember the phone number for 911. Then it will say “Please listen carefully to the following options, as they have recently changed.” Five minutes later you finally get to “Press 5 to make an appointment “ – and they put you on hold.

This happened to me yesterday, and while I was on hold I began thinking about “the phone options which have recently changed.” I also called for an appointment last week. Have they changed since then? How often do you change them? Why do you change them? Who decides to change them? Did you hire a sadistic assistant (who has read Fifty Shades of Grey more than a dozen times) to randomly change the options just to mess with us? Who is this assistant and where does he live? Does he have any pets? When I am irritated and on hold, I can go to a very dark place.

The good news is that soon no one in the doctor’s office will have time to change the phone options. They will be too busy learning the medical codes of ICD-10, a new medical classification reference. The doctor uses these codes to record why you were treated (ear infection, kidney stone, etc.).The government decided there were too many situations not covered by the current codes and is increasing the number of codes from about 15,000 to 150,000! Most of the changes make sense, but some of the new codes are very odd. Here are some examples.

W61.62XD: Struck by duck, subsequent encounter. (As one blogger pointed out, maladies that rhyme should be given immediate priority in the ER. I believe the rhyming section of the medical codes was written by the Rev. Jesse Jackson.)

W55.32XA: Struck by other hoof stock, initial encounter.  (In case grandma got run over by a reindeer.)

W55.41XA: Bitten by pig, initial encounter​. (That’s what you get for eating a ham sandwich in a pigpen.)

W62.0XXA: Contact with non-venomous frogs. (Usually involves girls looking for handsome princes.)

V91.07XD: Burn due to water skis on fire, subsequent encounter​.  (Wouldn’t the water prevent a fire? Owner’s manuals now include a warning “not to ride on water skis that are on fire.”)

V95.43: Spacecraft collision injuring occupant. (If the other spacecraft is being driven by an illegal space alien, you’d better hope you have uninsured motorist coverage.)

V97.33XD: Sucked into jet engine, subsequent encounter. (How does this even happen? And how many subsequent encounters can you have with a jet engine before you’re dead?)         

Y93.D: Activities involving arts and handcrafts. (This code was just added because of injuries happening to protesters trying to block employees from entering Hobby Lobby stores. Most of the injuries involved crochet needles or hot glue guns.)

S10.87XA: Other superficial bite of other specified part of neck, initial encounter. (The technical term for this injury is a “hickey”.)

G44.82: Headache associated with sexual activity. (Not tonight honey, I have a code G44.82.)

W22.02XD: Walked into lamppost, subsequent encounter. (This happens when dumb people use smart phones)

V80.731: Occupant of animal-drawn vehicle injured in collision with streetcar. (This is how you know the universe is against you.)

Y92.146: Swimming pool of prison as the place of occurrence of the external cause. (Wait – they have swimming pools in prisons?)

Y92.241: Library as the place of occurrence of the external cause. (For some reason, no University of Colorado student has ever been injured in a library.)

Y92.253: Opera House as the place of occurrence of the external cause. (Opera patrons can get rowdy if the opera is already four hours long and it still ain’t over even though the fat lady has sung.)

Y23.1 Hunting rifle discharge, undetermined intent (The “Dick Cheney’ code.)

R46.1: Bizarre personal appearance. (The “Lady Gaga” code.)

I believe doctors will eventually like ICD-10. Under the old system there were too many situations not covered by a code.

For example, last fall, I had an appointment to get a flu shot at the Doctor’s office.  I parked my car and started walking toward his building.  All of a sudden, a duck darted out of the bushes and ran into my leg.  I tripped and fell, hitting my head on a post.  My hair and clothes were a mess, but I went into his office anyway. 

“Hi,” I said.  “I am here to get a flu shot, but now I think I need to see the Doctor too.”

The receptionist looked at me.  “What happened?”

“Well,” I said, “I was struck by a duck and walked into a lamppost.”

A nurse leaned over and whispered to the receptionist “He certainly has a bizarre personal appearance. I don’t know how we’ll ever code this one.”

David LeSueur lives in Littleton Colorado with his wife, Mary. Their yard is full of bunnies and squirrels, but no ducks.

Things My Parents Said


Researchers in Omaha, Nebraska have confirmed that the advice my parents gave me when I first went out on my own was true: don’t go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. The study showed that people who shop for groceries while hungry tend to choose items with more calories and also buy more junk food. A spokesman for the study recommended eating a snack right before shopping. In case you’re interested in more details, here is the link.

www.reuters.com/article/2013/05/06/us-shop-hungry-idUSBRE9450TF20130506

I was curious whether other things my parents told me were equally true, so I went to the study’s website. As I had hoped, there were a number of helpful reports. Unfortunately, the links to those studies no longer work, so you will have to be satisfied with the summaries I have put together. The statements by my parents are in bold.

Turn off the lights! Do you think I own stock in the electric company? It turns out that 70% of parents who say this actually DO own stock in the electric company, usually through their 401(k) plans.

If everyone else were jumping off of a bridge, would you jump too? Mothers brought in children who were doing something because “everyone else was doing it.” The kids were taken to a bridge and were told that their friends had all jumped off of it. 30% of the children jumped off of the bridge. The ones who survived all said they would never do it again.

Make sure you put on clean underwear before you leave the house. You never know when you might be in an accident and end up in the hospital. The kids in the prior study were used for this one as well. They were all given this advice by their mothers before being brought to the bridge. 80% of them chose to wear clean underwear. Researchers talked to the kids who survived the fall and found that the ones wearing clean underwear were treated better at the hospital. However, no correlation was found between wearing clean underwear and surviving jumping off of a bridge.

How many times do I have to tell you? According to the study, 7 times.

Why? Because I said so! Researchers examined nearly 5000 cases where a mother gave this response to a child and concluded that the mother was justified 100% of the time. Oddly enough, the study provided no data or reasoning to support the claim. I called my own mother to ask her why, and she said “Because I said so!”

Someday you’ll thank me for this. This study was the most requested one by parents in the Omaha area. Researchers followed nearly 25,000 children for 30 years. So far, none of them has thanked their parents for that.

Beds are not made for jumping on. It was determined that it was too dangerous to test this hypothesis on humans. So the Study Center asked a Norwegian animal trainer named Peta to bring in some subjects. Soon there were three little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and broke his head. Peta called the doctor and the doctor said “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!” The study was immediately terminated without reaching a conclusion. I did a Google search on “Beds made for jumping on” and couldn’t find any. This seems like a great opportunity for some entrepreneur out there.

Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up? This study tried to answer two questions. First, how many children actually THOUGHT that the socks were going to pick themselves up? The answer was 21%. Second, how often did the socks ACTUALLY pick themselves up? Disappointingly, that only happened 1% of the time.

There were some other studies, but I don’t remember them and as I said before, the links are no longer working. But if you have any other questions, let me know and I’ll ask my friend Ted who lives down the street. He knows a lot of stuff.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton Colorado with his wife Mary. They always eat their vegetables just in case there are still some kids starving in India.

Scientists at Western Washington University have discovered a technique to get rid of earworms – the technical term for those “annoying tunes that lodge themselves inside our heads and repeat on an endless loop.” They found that you need to do something that takes up space in your brain where earworms reside. Puzzles that tax your brain like anagrams or Sudoku were found to be very effective. Reading a novel worked for some people in the study. “The key is to challenge your brain”, said the lead researcher. “If you don’t use your brain, earworms will likely stick around. That is why none of the teenage boys in the study were ever successful ridding themselves of earworms”.

Scientists discovered that the worst offending songs were those by Lady Gaga, so I decided to try to replicate the study’s results. First, I needed to create an earworm in my head. I bought one of Lady Gaga’s hits, “Born This Way”, and listened to it ten times in a row. Sure enough, the chorus kept playing in my head – a definite earworm. Next, I did something that wouldn’t challenge my brain – I watched an episode of “The View” my wife had recorded. As predicted by the study, when the show ended, the Lady Gaga chorus was still playing in my head. Finally, I tried to do something that would challenge my brain to see if it would get rid of my annoying earworm. So I watched the same episode of “The View” and this time I tried to follow Joy Behar’s logic. That taxed my brain so much that the Lady Ga Ga tune was gone in 47 seconds.

However, there is a dark side to the study of earworms. In 2009, Mr. Jess Marker, a man confined to a wheelchair, went to Disneyland with his family. At exactly 3:34 p.m. he got on the popular ride “It’s a Small World”. In case you have never been to Disneyland, “It’s a Small World” has been described as a “motorized boat ride that features over 300 brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls in the style of children of the world, frolicking in a spirit of international unity, and singing the attraction's title song, which has a theme of global peace.” The song and its catchy lyrics (“It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small, small world”) are sung over and over and over . . . and over and over again. Unfortunately, the boats broke down while Mr. Marker was inside. Everyone exited except for poor Mr. Marker. Disneyland had neglected to provide a way for wheelchairs to leave the attraction. It only took 30 minutes for mechanics to repair the boats, but by that time the 300 brightly costumed audio anatomic dolls in the style of children of the world were inspiring feelings other than a spirit of international unity or a theme of global peace. The man’s attorney estimates that Mr. Marker heard the “Small World” song 182 times! He was traumatized and reportedly had an earworm for three days. He sued Disneyland and was awarded $8,000 for his trouble.

By now, you certainly are humming “It’s a Small World” to yourself and for that I am truly sorry. But I hope you will be willing to participate in a follow-up study by Western Washington University. You see, no one in their original study could find a technique to get rid of the “Small World” earworm. I promised the researchers that I would pass along any information I received.DO NOT listen to the actual music for more than ten minutes as serious harm might occur. The United States military now plays “It’s a Small World” continuously as a part of its enhanced interrogations. Don’t worry, this particular earworm is not dangerous and should go away by itself in three or four days. In the meantime, however, I recommend that you not operate any heavy equipment or make any important life decisions.

David LeSueur lives with his wife Mary in Littleton, Colorado. Those of you old enough to remember Jess Marker – I mean Fess Parker – are probably now singing the theme song to “Davy Crockett” to yourself.” (“Born on the mountaintop in Tennessee . . .”)

What I Have Learned From MS

It is fashionable to say "Everything happens for a reason." So what is the reason that I have MS? One school of thought is that bad things happen to pay us back for sins we commit. If that is true, then I am sure I have MS because of some things I did in 2nd grade. It bugged me back then that Doug Boudinot would always punch me in the arm. So one day I punched him back as hard as I could and it made him cry (my friends said that was a "disproportionate response"). And once Bill Wolleck said Cathy Overman had cooties and I didn't step up to defend her. And finally I feel bad about those times Marc Morningstar wanted to play after school but I watched baseball on TV instead. Yes, I was a pretty bad kid and may deserve having MS.

I believe, however, that many bad things which happen to us are simply random events. I am not sure everything happens for a reason, but I do try to find Reason in everything that happens. I would prefer not to have MS, but as long as I have it, I might as well learn something from the experience. Two lessons come to mind.

My wife and I recently went shopping at the mall. We parked the car and headed toward the front doors. There were a couple of raunchy-looking kids riding their skateboards around the entrance. I found myself humming the tune from "Bye Bye Birdie" which asks "Kids! What's the matter with kids today? . . .Why can't they be like we were perfect in every way?"

We headed toward the handicapped entrance where there were two sets of doors. I planned on pushing the button which automatically opens both sets of doors . Just before I reached the doors, however, these two kids raced over and cut in front of us. "I can't believe how thoughtless these kids are" I muttered to my wife. One kid opened the first set of doors. The other kid went through and opened the second set of doors. They both smiled and held the doors for us to enter the mall. I clearly had misjudged these kids.

That happens all the time to me. People want to help. I am not naive enough to think that everyone is good, but I get to see the best side of most people. So the first thing I have learned from having MS is that most people are good.
The five-year-old son of one of our friends was watching me in my wheelchair and asked "Why can't you walk?" I never know how much to explain to people especially when they're only five years old. I started with the simple answer "I have a disease called Multiple Sclerosis." He kept looking at me like my answer wasn't complete enough for him, so I explained how MS interrupts the messages from the brain to various parts of the body. He still seemed interested so I told him about how the myelin sheath around my nerves was damaged and how some nerves in my spinal cord didn't work and that's why I couldn't walk. He nodded and smiled. I was proud of my explanation. I imagined he was going to say "Thank you Mr. LeSueur for that wonderful explanation. It was so clear that you have inspired me to become a doctor. I think I will do research and when I discover a cure for MS I will give you all of the credit."

I looked at him, waiting for him to speak. He looked at me, held up his hand, pointed to a band aid and said "I hurt my thumb."

So the second lesson having MS has taught me is that everyone has problems. Some struggle with physical ailments like me. Others battle depression, try to cope with the death of a loved one or experience financial issues. I am much more aware than I used to be of other people's problems. That may just be because people are more comfortable sharing their problems with me because I have MS. It may be that having MS has made me more sensitive. But life is not easy for anyone. Even people who seem to have it all -- professional athletes, movie stars and other celebrities -- often struggle with the sudden fame and fortune that is thrust upon them.

People are good. We all have problems. And there is a third lesson I have learned. If someone asks you whether you want to have MS or be cursed with sudden fame and fortune, choose the sudden fame and fortune option.

Cell Phones Big Buttons

All of the sales staff in the Apple Store looked like little kids. We were working with one who looked 14 – 14½ tops. “So you’d like to buy a new iPhone 5?”

“Yes, we’d like one for my wife, but I just want something simple. My fingers and hands don’t work very well anymore. I need big buttons, not a touchscreen.”

He stroked the peach fuzz on his chin, deep in thought. “I’ve never heard of a phone with big buttons.”

There was a picture on the wall behind him of a woman with the caption “Hi, I’m Klare, the Store Manager. Let me know if I can help you!” She looked confident, knowledgeable, experienced. She looked at least 22. “Can I talk to your manager? Maybe she’ll have an idea.”

Thirty seconds later, Klare was there, ready to help. “I just need a cell phone,” I said. “I don’t care about a touchscreen or the internet or texting or talking to Siri or any of those extra things. And it has to have big buttons.”

“I’ve never seen a phone like that, but I’ve read about them on Wikipedia.” It was reassuring that Klare had done so much research at such an authoritative source. I could see why she was the Store Manager. “You might be able to find one on Ebay. The only problem is that often the seller doesn’t have the cords anymore.”

My wife and I looked at each other and smiled. Our kids make fun of us because we have two boxes in the basement containing every electrical cord we have ever owned. It would be sweet revenge if we actually got to use one of them!

Once home, I got on the internet and started to go to Ebay when I had a better idea. I googled “Cell Phones Big Buttons”. Exactly .29 seconds later I had about 1,830,000 results and bought the first phone on the list.
I’ve had the phone about a week now and really like it, but clearly, its target audience is much older than I. For example, the phone gets FM radio reception. Only people over the age of 80 would think that was cool. (Mabel: “George, the cell phone comes with FM radio!” George: “Mabel, what in tarnation is FM?”) The ring tones that come with the phone are a phone ring from the 1920s, the Andy Griffith theme song and “Chattanooga Choo Choo”. The cool great-grandpas can also choose “Dragnet”, “Hawaii Five-0” and “James Bond”. It also has a special “funeral mode” which automatically changes the ring tone to “Amazing Grace”. The ring tone volume is adjustable, but even the softest level is louder than an infomercial in the middle of the night.

There is also a keen safety feature which only people of a certain age can appreciate. If you can’t wait for help to arrive if you dialed 911, there is a big red button on the back of the phone you can use to call for more immediate help. When you push the button, a VERY loud voice yells for help. The three standard yells you can choose from are “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”, “Help! I have no idea what I’m doing here!” and ”Help! Someone stole my clothes!” You can also record a custom message. Mine says “Help! I can’t find my TV remote!”

You may think my message is silly, but you would be wrong. Just the other day, I called Comcast to get some help with a technical issue we were having. The woman on the phone fixed my problem, then asked helpfully “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Well, do you know where my TV remote is?”

“The one upstairs or the one in the basement?”

“The one upstairs.”

“Did you look under the red pillow on the sofa?”

Sure enough it was there! So you just never know.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado with his wife Mary. He still has his TV remote, but is missing a brown dress sock. Could someone from Comcast please call him?

WHY ARE DINOSAURS EXTINCT?

Dinosaurs are in the news again. Leading scientists now say global warming (and not an asteroid) may have caused the extinction of dinosaurs. And the main cause of global warming was, AHEM, dinosaur flatulence. Professor Graeme Ruxton of St Andrews University, Scotland, said the giant animals spent 150 million years emitting the potent global warming gas, methane. The report said:


Large plant-eating sauropods would have been the main culprits because of the huge amounts of greenery they consumed.

The jokes write themselves. In fact the first draft of this column was full of bad puns and raunchy humor. I want to be classy so I cut the cheesy comments (sorry, I kept one bad joke).

The team calculated the animals would have collectively produced more than 520 million tons of methane a year – more than all today’s modern sources put together.

How can scientists know how much methane dinosaurs produced? The study said that scientists calculated the amount of methane emitted by a modern cow (about 50 gallons of methane daily). They used that information to estimate the amount of methane that would have been produced by a giant dinosaur - thousands of gallons of the greenhouse gas each day. The report didn't explain how you measure the methane emitted by cows, but I don't think I really want to know!

How could dinosaurs have produced enough methane to cause global warming? One of the animals, a 90-ton argentinosaurus which measured 140 ft. in length, would have consumed at least half a ton of food in one day. Since Mayor Bloomberg hadn't been born yet, these creatures also drank scores of large sugary drinks each day.
I'm trying to imagine the job posting scientists at St. Andrews University placed on the university website:

Unpaid summer internship available for qualified applicant. Science background preferred. Sense of humor will help. You will take measurements to help determine causes of global warming. Must never have participated in cow tipping. Stuffy nose will help.

If you know any 12 year-old boys interested in science, I recommend showing them this study. Writing about the report has been painful for me. My kids and grandkids will testify that I love them very much and would forgive them for most felonies they might commit. But if they discuss burping or tooting in my house, I will remove them from my will.

The politics surrounding this new study are predictable. Some right-wing groups refuse to accept the results of the study and are known as "Flatulence Deniers." Left-wing groups have been seen with signs reading "Make love, not toots."

The report gravely concludes:

Did the dinosaurs help to wipe themselves out by changing the climate? The implications for the human race are obvious.

I have read the conclusion many times and I have to say that the implications for the human race are not obvious to me. Should we be eating fewer vegetables? Should beans be outlawed? Should we be consuming massive amounts of Bean-O? If you have any ideas please let me know. By the way, I already asked Ted - that guy from down the street - and he didn't know what to think either.


David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado with his wife Mary. Until more is known, they have decided not to eat at any more Mexican restaurants.

Facebook Surprise

Those of us with MS sometimes feel isolated when our symptoms prevent us from doing things with our friends and family. To help remedy this, my neurologist encouraged me to use "Social Media" (like Facebook) to keep in touch. I never took his advice because Facebook seems more like "Anti-Social Media" than "Social Media." After all, you are communicating without having to actually use any spoken words But everything changed recently when I received an email from my friend Curtis inviting me to be his friend on Facebook. At first I was suspicious. You see, we are both closer to the Social Security retirement age than we are to the legal drinking age. And though we are both computer and internet savvy, you wouldn’t normally associate us with something like Facebook. I wondered if this email was really from him. I have watched enough television news to know that you have to be wary of sexual predators. What if the email was from a 12 year-old girl pretending to be Curtis? Or what if the email was from a guy in Nigeria who wanted to steal my identity? Maybe if I clicked on the link he would find out my credit card numbers and steal my entire 401(k) account. I decided to call Curtis, just to be safe. He confirmed to me that he had just joined Facebook and had invited me to be his friend, though he wasn’t sure yet what that meant. I opened his email and clicked on the link. A mere 2 ½ hours later I finished signing up as his friend. That was 3 weeks ago. We haven’t spoken since. I am not sure what is supposed to happen next. Will he send me a message to go look at his Facebook page? Or am I supposed to go there periodically to see if he has a message for me? I was going to call him about something but I was afraid he might be mad at me for not ever checking Facebook. Then I had a brilliant idea - I would send him a text message! That way I could communicate with him without risking actually talking to him. I could just pretend he wasn’t angry with me. I decided to tell him in my text that my internet wasn’t working in case he was wondering why I hadn’t been to his Facebook page. Now I just needed to learn how to send a text message. A few days ago I asked my niece Marissa to teach me. She can text 416 words per minute and has calluses on her thumbs. Yesterday I decided to send her a test text message, but I couldn’t find my cell phone. I don’t use it much. Last month my usage was 3 minutes. I only received two phone calls, both of them wrong numbers. I tried calling my cell phone, hoping I would hear it ring, but of course its battery was dead. Eventually I found it. It took me only 20 minutes to type the following message: HI MARISsa how are lol U unCle daVID I sent the text, then called Marissa to see if she had received it. She is 15, so naturally she had her cell phone with her and turned on. Yes, she said, she got my message. I quickly ended the phone call because it felt like cheating to actually talk out loud. I didn’t even find out how she was LOL. I started to compose my message to Curtis when I realized I didn’t have his cell phone number! Maybe I could write him a letter instead. Unfortunately we don’t have stationery and writing on computer paper seemed impersonal. I checked in our folder where we keep greeting cards for a variety of occasions. I found two birthday cards, three thank you notes and an invitation to a New Year’s Eve party. None of them seemed appropriate. We also had some blank cards but they all had girly flowers on the front. So I won’t be sending him anything in the mail. I am stumped as to my next step. Curtis, if you are reading this and aren’t too mad at me, instead of being friends on Facebook, can we be friends in real life? David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado with his wife, Mary. He was diagnosed with MS in 2000.

INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS

In the world of science, there is some good news and some bad news. Let's start with the bad news.

According to a study in the Journal of the American Chemical Society, giant, advanced and dangerous dinosaurs may be the dominant life form that has evolved on other planets. The study said that man dominates earth only because dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid hitting the earth 60 million years ago. "We would be better off not meeting these dinosaurs." reads the conclusion of the report.

Yikes!! Dinosaurs from Outer Space?

As if we didn't have enough to worry about - like a nuclear Iran, our national debt and whether the Cubs will ever win the World Series again - scientists warn of a possible invasion of dinosaurs from Outer Space! I have only been able to sleep at night by reassuring myself that the dinosaurs may not be dangerous. We would just have to look for signs that would indicate whether they had come in peace or meant to destroy us. For example, if their spaceships had the "peace sign" painted on them, or the dinosaurs wore hippie beads around their necks and flowers behind their ears, we probably would have nothing to fear. But if they seemed upset seeing dinosaur bones in our museums, were wearing green berets or carried a book titled "How to Serve Man" (like the Twilight Zone episode where the aliens had such a book that turned out to be a cookbook), that would be a bad sign.

Let's get to the good news.

A few months ago, scientists announced that some tiny particles called neutrinos had traveled faster than the speed of light, a result that contradicts Einstein's Theory of Relativity. According to Einstein's theory, if an object travels faster than the speed of light, it travels backward in time. When I read this report I lost sleep for several weeks. Everything I had always believed about the Universe was a lie!

The good news is that the result turned out to be false. Order has been restored.

What went wrong? Physicists built a research facility in Switzerland in order to shoot neutrinos in one direction of a 17-mile circular tube and protons in the other direction. They hope the ensuing collisions will create a never-before-seen particle which scientists have dubbed "The God Particle." The ACLU objected to this name, citing the separation of Church and State. As a result, in the United States this particle is nicknamed "The Holiday Particle."

But I digress.

The search for the God Particle is not scheduled to start until 2014, so scientists there were looking for something to do. One of them said, "Hey! Why don't we send some neutrinos 450 miles through the earth to another facility in Italy and see how long it takes!" In performing this test, scientists discovered that some neutrinos arrived before they left (admittedly by only 60 nanoseconds, but still . . . )!!! This could only happen if the neutrinos travelled faster than the speed of light - a startling result.

It turns out that the experimental results were wrong. Spokesman Antonio Ereditato explained that they have "identified two issues that could significantly affect the reported result." The first problem was a faulty connection in one of the cables. The second problem was an error in providing the correct synchronized timestamps. These explanations are kind of mysterious, so I found an anonymous source who told me what really happened.

The cable problem occurred in Switzerland. When they built the 17-mile track, they bought cables that were 6 feet too short. They sent an intern to the Swiss equivalent of Best Buy. He knew the project was over-budget so he saved money by buying some cheap cables. "Needless to say," said my source, "he should have bought Monster Cables.

The timing problem occurred in Italy. The time elapsed from when the neutrinos left Switzerland and when they arrived in Italy was measured by two guys with stopwatches. The Swiss scientist pushed his watch when the particles were sent, and the Italian scientist pushed his stopwatch when the particles arrived. Apparently the Italian guy had been drinking before he came to work so his reflexes were a little off.

I have slept better since finding out it is still true that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. And I was just beginning to not worry about alien dinosaurs. But as I write this, I am having a more frightening thought. What if super-intelligent dinosaurs find a way to travel faster than the speed of light? Then we have to worry about being invaded by giant dinosaurs from Outer Space FROM THE FUTURE!

Double yikes!!

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado with his wife Mary. In case anyone from another planet is reading this, they LOVE dinosaurs.

STUDY CLAIMS WOMEN GOSSIP FIVE HOURS PER DAY

Recently an online British newspaper headline caught my eye. It read "Women Gossip For Five Hours Per Day, Claims Study!" The study seemed legitimate but I am very careful to fact check these things before I write about them. My process is two-fold. First I check with Wikipedia. If that doesn't satisfy me, then I ask this guy, Ted, who lives down the street because he seems to know a lot of stuff. Wikipedia said nothing about how much women gossip each day, so I asked Ted and he said five hours sounded about right.

So I am running with this story.

The article doesn't say how the data was gathered. I doubt that researchers followed 1200 women around for a week, recording how much each woman talked each day, how much could be classified as "gossip", and what subjects she gossiped about. It is more likely the study asked women to guess what their personal experience was.
What is gossiping exactly and is it really such a bad thing? Fortunately we can find the answer in one of the books of the Apocrypha (these are holy writings which are not included in the Bible because we are not sure of their authenticity).The Book of Sins states clearly that gossiping is a sin and describes in detail what it is. Here is the relevant scripture verse in The Book of Sins 146:23:

Thou shalt not gossip. He who gossipeth doth commit a sin. Thou shalt not criticize a man or woman, neither their manservant nor theirmaidservant nor their cow nor their gerbil. Speak not ill of another's character nor his hair or lack thereof; neither criticize another's national origin or double chin. Nevertheless, if thou endeth thy rant with the phrase "Bless his heart" it shall not be counteth against thee as a sin.

In other words, we can gossip all we want about someone and it is not a sin if we end with "Bless his (or her) heart." A few verses later it says that if we are gossiping about a deceased person we have to say "may he (or she) rest in peace."

The survey also asked women what they gossiped about the most and the article listed the top 20 subjects. To men, the fact that women could find 20 subjects to talk about is as surprising as gossiping five hours per day. Men could never talk about 20 topics in a day unless you count each NFL team as a separate subject.
Not surprisingly, shopping was the #1 topic, and diet and exercise were 2nd. "Holidays" were 3rd (I asked Ted and he said he thought that meant "Vacations" in Great Britain). The 4th most common topic was "What they would do with a lottery win." I was surprised this was so high on the list, but as I write this, a woman in Maryland claims to have had a lottery ticket worth $200 million. She says she hid it in a McDonald's where she works and can't find it. I am sure many Americans are now gossiping about what an airhead she is (bless her heart) and what they would do with the money if they found the winning ticket in a Big Mac.

In general, women are more interested in talking while men prefer doing things, so a similar study would probably find that men gossip a lot fewer than 5 hours a day. However, there is a saying that "All generalizations are false," so there are surely some men who gossip more than some women. Actually, that saying has always bothered me because, if it is true, then isn't it also false? I asked Ted about this and he said he would think about it and get back to me.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colorado. If you have any questions for Ted email me and I will pass them on. Allow a few months for the answer because Ted has not been very dependable lately. Bless his heart.

DEAR DIARY

JUNE 21, 2011 - Today is the first day of spring. Like every year my wife, Mary, and I make plans to clean out our Master Bedroom closet.

JUNE 22, 2011 - Today is the second day of spring. Like every year, we decide our resolution from the day before was a stupid idea.

It's not that he closet couldn't use some pruning. It is completely full now. But I don't care because I don't need much space. I only have three pairs of pants and eight shirts (one for each day of the week and one "wild card" shirt). Mary will soon have to do something though. I suggested that she get rid of two items of clothing for each new one she buys but that hasn't happened yet.

JULY 6, 2011 - I wear my wild card shirt instead of my Wednesday shirt. I was becoming too predictable.

JULY 12, 2011 - I decided to look in the closet again and noticed Mary has a huge section devoted to purses. I counted them. There were 47. I don't understand her reluctance to throw away old purses. She never uses anything except the newest ones. In most cases she rationalized buying the new one because the old one didn't work for some reason (the zipper is broken, it doesn't have enough inside pockets, it has too many inside pockets, it is too big, it is too small, etc.). There is zero chance she will use the old purses. Maybe she is planning to donate them to a museum some day.

In fairness to women, it is much easier for men to carry a wallet than it is to carry a purse. All our wallet has to accommodate is a driver's license, a few credit cards and a $20 bill. Wallets never wear out. I don't know exactly when I bought mine, but I cleaned it out recently and it still had a 1977 Dodger schedule in it. Women's purses have to carry everything a wallet has plus keys, makeup, a hair brush, extra glasses, pictures of the kids, a wash cloth, gift cards, a $2 off coupon for Cheerios, receipts for the stuff she needs to return, letters to mail, and a book in case she has to wait somewhere. As all of you know, this only scratches the surface (in fact, women have to carry something to scratch surfaces with too).

Purses also have to carry the things that probably should go in men's wallets but we don't want to be bothered with. For example, I hate loose change. I would rather throw coins in the trash than to put them in my pocket or wallet. Mary is too frugal so she keeps all of our change in her purse.

July 23, 2011 - We went out to eat tonight. We ordered one of those flaming desserts and the tablecloth caught on fire. Mary calmly pulled a fire extinguisher out of her purse and put out the fire. I was really impressed with her preparedness until I noticed that three women at tables near us also had pulled fire extinguishers from their purses. The meal cost about $50, which Mary paid for with quarters from her purse.

AUGUST 5, 2011 - Some experts suggest putting clothes in the closet with the hangar facing the wrong way. Then if you haven't worn something in two years you should get rid of it. I think that two years is too short a time period. I read somewhere that fashion repeats itself on average every 40 years. So if an item of clothing hasn't gotten back in style in 40 years, it is safe to get rid of it. We celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary next month so now is a perfect time to see if Mary still has anything from when we were first married. I found a white sweater on a shelf which I recognized right away. She wore it on our first date (to see "Love Story"), so it would be a shame to throw it away. In the back of the closet was an old robe. She wore it a lot that first year lounging around our apartment while we watched reruns of Perry Mason on our black and white television. Have to keep that. I also found the swimsuit and cover-up she wore on our honeymoon. There is no way I could throw them away either. We didn't go anywhere glamorous - we stayed in San Clemente, a beach town half way between Los Angeles and San Diego. It was a great way to start our marriage. We each had a lot to learn. In the first month I learned to wring out the wash cloth after a shower; she learned to love Vin Sculley (the Dodger's announcer). I made a note to remind me to look again at these clothes when we will have been married 80 years. I put the note in my wallet, since I probably will still be using it 40 years from now.

SEPTEMBER 3, 2011 - Today is a great day. We are celebrating 40 years of marriage. Has every day been great? Of course not. Has every year been wonderful? Absolutely!

David and Mary LeSueur live in Littleton, CO.

A POLITICAL PARABLE

Son: Dad, I need to talk to you about my allowance. It's just not enough.
Dad: I give you $100 per year. How much are you spending?
Son: I spend about $150 per year.
Dad: $150! Where do you get the extra $50?
Son: I borrow it from some kids at school. They know you'll pay for it if I can't and I pay them some interest every month.
Dad: I'm glad to see you are such a good businessman. How much do you owe these kids and how much interest do you pay each year?
Son: I owe $500 now. I pay interest of about $11 per year.
Dad: So only $11 out of your $100 allowance is going to interest? That's not bad!
Son: Yes, it is no big deal. But I would like to reduce my debt and I believe it should be a shared sacrifice on both our parts. Here's what i propose. I'm willing to cut my spending if you'll increase my allowance by the same amount. Over the next 10 years i promise to reduce my spending by a total of $100. Then you can increase my allowance by $100 - a mere $10 per year.
Dad: Sounds reasonable. I will give you $110 next year, and you will reduce your spending to what?
Son: $160.
Dad: Wait, that's more than you spent this year. I thought you were going to reduce your spending.
Son: I am. You see, without our agreement I was going to spend $165 next year. It has to be more than this year because of inflation and I want to get some new tires for my bike. But because of our agreement I am willing to only spend $160 for a savings of $5. I know this is confusing so here's a schedule of my spending reductions by year. You'll see the total savings is $100.
Dad: I think I get it now. I notice from your schedule that most of your savings are in years 9 and 10. Is that right?
Son: Yes, that's right. I figure that gives me enough time to adjust my spending habits.
Dad: And at the end of 10 years your debt increases from $500 to $800.
Son: Yes, but without our agreement it would have been $1,000!
Dad: Brilliant!
(Mom enters the room.)
Mom: Honey I am going to the mall to buy a dress. It is on sale for 50% off.
Dad: You know we don't have any money right now, don't you?
Mom: Of course I know that. But this actually saves us money.
Dad: Brilliant!
Son: Dad, our neighbor Mr. Jones is at the door and wants to talk to you.
Mr. Jones: I would like to retire next year and would like to propose a deal. If you will pay for my retirement, then my children will pay retirement for both you and your wife.
Dad: But you only have one son - and he doesn't even have a job!
Mr. Jones: That's not a problem because we have arranged with some of his friends to help.
Dad: Brilliant!
(A perfect stranger walks to the front door.)
Perfect Stranger: Hey, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I have some land in Florida you might be interested in . . .

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, CO with his wife Mary. He is currently heading up a petition drive to raise taxes on everyone whose last name begins with the letter "T".

Having Fun with a Mental Cognition Test

Men and MS Spring 2011
By David LeSueur

One of the potential problems caused by MS is impaired thinking; however, how do you know whether any diminished capacity is caused by MS rather than natural aging? When I was growing up, an uncle told me that when men got old, brain cells (which look like hair) start growing out of their ears!

I was always skeptical, but now I think he might have been right. I figure I have trimmed over a foot of brain cells from my ears during the past decade. That would explain a lot.

So when my neurologist offered to send a nurse to my house to give me a "Mental Cognition Test," I readily agreed. I was anxious to see what she thought. The nurse came by the next week. We talked about the weather, and then she got out her notebook and started the test.

"Let's start with an easy question." she said. "What day of the week is it today?"

That isn't such an easy question. I don't work anymore, so every day seems the same. I can't even rely on what television show I watched last night to tell me what day of the week it is because we record everything we want to watch on our DVR and watch it on a different day. But on that day, I did remember watching the Broncos play the day before, which means the day before must have been Sunday, so I answered confidently, "Today is Monday!"

The nurse looked at me and laughed. "It is Tuesday, not Monday!" she said.

"That's right," I replied. "The Broncos played yesterday, but it was on Monday Night Football." I was not off to a good start.

"Let's try another question. I am going to read you three unrelated words and have you repeat them back to me. That should be easy. But remember them, because I will ask you to name them again in a few minutes. Okay, here are the words: tree, ballpoint pen, bank. . . Now what are the three words?"

It will be easy to say them back now, I thought to myself, but remembering them later could be tricky. Fortunately, I have a book called "How You Too Can Develop a Razor-Sharp Mind and a Steel-Trap Memory." It says that to remember unrelated items you need to form a relationship in your mind between the items. The wackier the relationship is, the easier it is to remember the items. There is more to it – but I can't remember where I put the book to check on it.

What trick will I use to remember these words? First I will imagine looking out my window and seeing a grove of trees. Growing on the trees will be a bunch of ballpoint pens. Finally I'll remember that we are growing the pens to replace the ones in the bank that no longer work.

"Tree, ballpoint pen, bank." I said.

"That's right!" she replied. "Now for the next exercise, you will have 60 seconds to name all the animals you can think of. Are you ready? Go!"

She said "Go!" before I could think about my strategy for thinking of animals. I decided to pretend I was at the zoo. "Penguins, elephants, giraffes," I said to begin. "Can I just say ‘deer’ or do I have to be more specific about what kind of deer it is?"

"Deer is fine. Keep going!"

She was writing something down in her book. "Then deer," I said, continuing, "and lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh my!" I looked at her but she wasn't laughing. I wonder if I get extra credit for having a sense of humor. Or maybe I get points taken off for telling stupid jokes. I'd better watch myself.

"30 seconds!" she announced.

All of a sudden I couldn't think of any more animals at the zoo, so I shifted to my backyard. "Squirrels, dogs, cats, birds, coyotes, deer - oops, I think I already said ‘deer.’ Does it still count?"

"Yes, I don't keep track of what you have already said."

"You don't keep track?" I answered. "Then deer, deer, deer, deer…." I looked at her. She wasn't laughing.

"Actually, repeating yourself is a sign of senility." She looked at me, and now it was my turn to not laugh.

"Do insects count as animals?" I asked.

"It doesn't really matter. Don't over-analyze this. Ten seconds."

I just gave up at this point. "Time! Now, what are the three words I read to you earlier?"

“Tree, deer, ballpoint pen, deer, bank, deer.”

The nurse wouldn't tell me how I did on the test, but she didn't send me to a retirement home either, so that is good I guess.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, Colo., a city with many banks, lots of deer and thousands of trees (none of which is growing ballpoint pens). You can read more of David's writing at http://lesueur926.blogspot.com/

ADVICE FOR CONGRESS - CALL MY MOM

Our economy is hurting so we are going to borrow almost a trillion dollars to “stimulate” it. I suppose that might make sense on a macroeconomic level, but it flies in the face of two economic principles my parents taught me: don’t spend money if you don’t have it, and don’t buy something if you don’t need it.
Congress could learn from the example of our family freezer. In 1964 I was 14, my 2 brothers were 12 and 4 and my sister was 9. My parents had planned a six week vacation (my father was a high school history teacher) for us to drive from Burbank, California across the country to see the New York World’s Fair. But my mom also wanted to buy a freezer so Dad told her that if she could spend less than what they had budgeted for the vacation, she could use the savings to buy a freezer.
To save money on lodging we stayed as much as possible with friends and family. When necessary, we rented a room at Motel 6. In those days the “6” was in the name because rooms were $6 per night. The “6” also signified how many people we put in a room. Unfortunately the “6” did not stand for how many of us slept in a bed. Since there were only two double beds my youngest brother always slept on the floor and the other three kids rotated sleeping on the floor with him.
Mom saved money on food by fixing us cold cereal in the morning and making us sandwiches for lunch. Occasionally Mom and Dad would splurge by eating out for breakfast. The kids still ate cold cereal in the car but Dad bought us donuts on those days to make us feel special too.
It was a great trip and we stayed under budget so Mom bought a freezer for $100. They still had it in 1974 and in 1984 and in 1994 and in 2004. Mom didn’t replace it because it still worked - except that the interior light no longer came on when you opened the door. That freezer lasted longer than most marriages, but it had two significant problems. First, it had to be defrosted, which was an all day chore. I remember some months when the freezer had more frost than food in it. And even worse, it used a lot of electricity.
You may have heard of CERN, an international physics laboratory in Sweden. It contains an enormously powerful particle accelerator capable of smashing subatomic particles together, reproducing the energies that existed a fraction of a second after the big bang. The experiment was scheduled for last Fall but was postponed for undisclosed reasons. Well , I can now tell you the real reason was Mom’s freezer. It was so inefficient that there was a huge electromagnetic field above my parent’s house. Scientists were afraid that the particles colliding would create a black hole above the freezer that might swallow up their house and the entire city of San Clemente.
Last Christmas, Mom bought herself a new freezer after 44 years. She only started thinking about it because the power company offered her a $35 rebate if she would buy a more energy efficient model. She had decided against buying a new one (“The old one still works!” she said) until Dad pointed out that $35 was enough to buy them each six meals at Taco Bell. Keeping a freezer that long is very unusual in our culture of instant gratification and “I want it all and I want it right now.”
If your kids are complaining about having to wait until their birthdays to get a new cell phone, or if you are considering borrowing money on your 5th credit card, I suggest you visit my mom to gain a little perspective. She will be excited to show you her new freezer that she waited 44 years to buy. And if you are really nice, she will show you how the light comes on when you open the door.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife Mary. He can’t think of anything he has owned for 44 years.

We received our first Christmas card of the season on December 3. It was from Robert and Barbara Elton of Colorado Springs. The handwritten address on the outside of the envelope said "The LeSueur's."

Like most Christmas cards we receive, there was a form Christmas letter inside describing what the family members were all doing and included a fuzzy photo so you could kind of see what everyone looked like now.

It is easy to make fun of these Christmas letters, but I like them. Done correctly, they give me an idea of what my friends are doing, without requiring them to send fifty or more handwritten letters that say essentially the same thing. A good Christmas letter is brief and informative, describing the activities and accomplishments of the family members without bragging.

We learned that Barbara keeps busy volunteering at Church, Robert was contemplating retirement and their son Nathan just moved to Fort Collins. The actual card had a handwritten note on it saying "Let's get together this year. We come to Denver fairly often." The personal note let me know that even though the Christmas letter was impersonal, they were thinking of me. Everything about the Christmas card and letter was perfect. There was only one problem.

We have no idea who Robert and Barbara Elton of Colorado Springs are.

They have sent us a card 3 years in a row now. We thought we must know them because they spelled our name right and had our address. It's not like our last name is Smith or Johnson or something. We tried to think of all of the people we had met in the prior year who might be sending us a card. Did they sell us something during the year? Were their children friends with our children? We looked at the family photo and no one looked familiar. How did they get our name and address? Do they know another LeSueur family and picked the wrong address out of the phone book?

It's too bad I don't know them because I wanted to compliment them on their Christmas card. Letter-writing is a lost art and we should encourage people who are good at it. I understand why no one writes letters anymore. Talking on the phone is easier and more rewarding. You get immediate answers to your questions. People do write e-mails, but most e-mails are just shorthand versions of conversations. Real letters require us to think about what we are saying and how we say it.

When I left home to go to college 40 years ago, phone calls were a luxury. My parents called me once a week every Sunday evening when I was away. My dad was worried about the cost, so as soon as there was a break in the conversation that lasted more than three seconds, he would say, "Well, it was nice talking to you." I learned to talk fast to make the phone call last longer.

In college I loved checking the mail. During the week, my mother wrote me a letter which would arrive on Wednesday or Thursday. My dad always gave me a subscription to The Sporting News for Christmas and it came on Fridays.

My wife keeps in touch with a high school group through a "round robin letter" which has been going for 30 years. About once a year we receive an envelope with a letter from each of the people in the group. We remove the letter we wrote last time and replace it with a new one. Then we send the packet of letters to the next person on the list and wait for a year to receive the package again. It is a throwback to an earlier time.

So I want to encourage the Eltons from Colorado Springs. I am afraid to call them because either they will be embarrassed for sending a Christmas card to total strangers, or we will be embarrassed because we actually do know them. I guess I will send them a Christmas card so they don't take us off their list.

David LeSueur lives in Littleton, 50 miles north of the Eltons.

A BIG Wii PROBLEM

One of the problems sometimes caused by Multiple Sclerosis is impaired thinking, However, how do you know whether any diminished capacity is caused by MS rather than natural aging? When I was growing up, an uncle told me that when men got old, brain cells (which look like hair) start growing out of your ears. I was always skeptical, but now I think he might have been right. I figure I have trimmed over a foot of brain cells from my ears over the past decade and that would explain a lot.
At what age do we reach our mental peak? When does everything begin to head South? I can only speak for myself, but I know that at age 16 I pretty much knew everything. However, a more realistic self-assessment is that my IQ peaked around age 3 or 4.
I became worried recently because of an experience I had with our Wii. I consider myself technologically adept. I can program the DVR, play several kinds of Solitaire on my laptop, and figure out how to use our cell phones without even reading the instructions. I even sent four text messages this year. But I have had a big problem with our Wii. I wouldn't even have one except my neurologist suggested that playing bowling, tennis and baseball on a Wii would be a fun way to keep my arms strong and improve my coordination. I always follow my doctor's orders, so we ordered the Wii. I may even deduct it as a medical expense on my taxes.
We installed it using our upstairs television but soon decided that it would be better in the basement. So I unhooked it, took all the components downstairs and tried to install it just as I had upstairs. Unfortunately, after several hours of trying various fixes, I couldn't get it to work. I gave up, knowing I would have to consult an expert - my 13-year-old grandson, Matthew. The next time he was over, I asked him to look at what I had done. We went to the basement together. He walked over to the game console, reached for the cord in the back and plugged it into the outlet. Now everything worked! This was very embarrassing.
"You mean I forgot to plug it in?" I asked. Matthew nodded. I explained to him the importance of keeping this between him and me. I didn't want my reputation ruined. He explained to me the importance of a $20 bill to him and we soon reached an agreement.
Six months later, I went to the basement to use the WI and discovered the game controllers weren't working. This is the first time that had happened but I assumed they just needed charging. I looked around but I couldn't see anything that looked like a Wii charger, so I called Matthew to get some help. He wasn't home from school yet, so I asked my daughter what she knew about charging the controllers. She said "I don't know. Don't they just use batteries?"
Batteries! I hadn't even thought of that. I looked at the bottom of the controllers and sure enough, there was a compartment with two AA batteries. I replaced them and to my embarrassment, the controllers worked. I was going to explain to my daughter the importance of keeping secrets between her and me so my reputation would not be ruined, when she said "You've had a bad experience getting this Wii to work, haven't you? Matthew told me about how you forgot to plug it in earlier this year." I decided that I would have to ask Matthew for my money back.

The next time I saw my neurologist, I asked him if there was anything I could do to maintain my cognitive abilities. He gave me some exercises and suggestions but emphasized that I needed to actually do them, rather than just thinking about it. He challenged me to do something right when I got home. I accepted his challenge, and when I got home I took my first steps to maintaining my brainpower. I walked into the bathroom, opened a drawer, picked up the nose and hair clipper and threw it in the trash.
You can never have too many brain cells.

FYI: Excerpt from a letter to be read at all Sacrament Meetings next Sunday
". . . immediately at the conclusion of the two-hour block.
The second change is that a third counselor will be added to all Elders Quorum and Relief Society Presidencies. The 3rd counselor will have only one responsibility - to organize and implement all moves of members in and out of homes and apartments in the Ward. High Priests will continue to be excused from moving responsibilities. Assisting members to move serves two main purposes. First, it provides an opportunity for service for all Ward members. Second, it helps rid members of the sin of pride in their possessions.
David talked of this principle in the Old Testament:
Ps. 55: 22 Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall always help the brighteous to be moved
The New Testament mentions this service opportunity too:
Matt. 21: 10 And when he was come into Jerusalem, all the city was moved. . .
Helaman talks of it in the Book of Mormon:
Helaman 12:13 Yea, and if he say unto the earth—Move—it is moved
And finally, the importance of helping each other was reaffirmed in this dispensation:
D&C 124:45 And if my people will hearken unto my voice, and unto the voice of my aservants whom I have appointed to lead my people, behold, verily I say unto you, they shall be moved out of their place.
Some members may object to having Ward Members help them move, citing possible damage to their possessions. However, we are commanded to avoid the sin of pride, and allowing untrained amateurs to handle our most delicate items is a positive thing. To help kick off this new program, anyone helping in a move will be excused from their normal Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching responsibilities for that month. This policy will expire in 12 months from now.
The third change is that the three-fold mission of the Church has been revised. Effective immediately, the mission is now to proclaim the gospel, redeem the dead, and move the saints.
The fourth and final change involves tithing. Up to now, tithing has always been defined as ten percent of one's increase. However, effective immediately . . . "

UNIVERSAL REMOTE CONTROLS

A friend of ours recently had his 90-year old mother in town for a visit. Everything went fine except that after a few days he had to hide the remote controls for the television. In his house, you have to turn everything on using the silver remote control, then use the black remote to change channels and adjust the volume. It seems that no matter how often he explained that to his mother, she couldn't get the TV to work. Out of frustration, she would start randomly pushing buttons on both remotes until nothing worked at all. Even our friend, who is pretty good with technology, couldn't figure out how to restore the TV to working condition. They had to wait for their 7-year old son to get home from school, and he would get everything working again. This incident is more than just another cute example of an older person trying to cope with modern technology; this is an indictment of the remote control industry. What good is all of our fancy technology if we can't get it to work?
Our main floor entertainment center has 5 remotes: one for the TV, one for the blu ray player, one for the DVD/VCR combo player, one for the cable box and one for the receiver. For awhile we tried to use our equipment by grabbing the appropriate remote. This actually isn't that easy because the remotes aren't labeled "TV', "Cable Box", etc. Instead we had to check the brand of the equipment we wanted to use and then look for the remote with that brand name on it. That worked OK, except both our TV and DVD/VCR player are Sony's so there was an additional step of determining which Sony remote to use. It was very frustrating.
You can imagine how excited we were to see an advertisement for a Universal Remote Control. "Tired of having five remotes in your family room?" the ad said. "Our Universal Remote makes it so you only need one. Works with all brands!" We bought it and have to admit that things are better. Now, instead of having five remotes that we don't know how to use, we only have ONE remote that we don't know how to use.
I should have known the universal remote wasn't going to be that easy when the ad said that the remote control was developed using technology from our Apollo lunar space program. The advertisement failed to mention that it actually was easier to put a man on the moon than to get the universal remote to work properly.
You can't just buy the remote at the store and bring it home and start using it. You have to have a guy from the store come to your house with a laptop and special software to customize the remote to your setup. I've had it a couple of weeks now and it works OK except that sometimes pushing the "Off" button doesn't turn everything off. Usually pushing the "Off" button again turns the other stuff off, but not always. Then I push the "On" button a few times and then the "Off" button again. Holding my right leg in the air while I push buttons seems to help a little too.
We also bought a Universal Remote for our basement entertainment center. The remote works exactly the same as the upstairs one except it uses radio waves since a lot of the equipment is behind a door. It was working better than the upstairs universal remote except that sometimes it would randomly change the channel or fast forward through a movie we were watching. We called the store and they said we probably had a neighbor with a radio wave remote and his was interfering with ours. They said there really wasn't anything we could do about it.
I confronted our neighbor on the North side of our house and, sure enough, he also had a radio wave remote. Apparently we had dueling remotes that sometimes battled over who would get the final change. We were unable to work out a compromise so we ended up in arbitration. The Judge awarded us use of the remote on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays while our neighbor gets to use his on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. We trade off on alternate Sundays.
I thought we were done with the radio wave problems but we were visiting with our neighbor on the South side of our house and they mentioned that lately their Microwave Oven was randomly turning off and on. I was going to ask them if this was happening on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays and alternate Sundays but decided not to get involved. If any Toyota executives are reading this, I recommend that the next time there is a case of sudden acceleration in a car of yours, check to see if there was anyone in the area using a Universal Remote.
David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife Mary. Please don't call us on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays because we are busy using our remote control.

The dinner table is a good place to teach children about life and to discuss important philosophical questions. After all, they have to sit there or they won’t get anything to eat! Last week we delved into religion. The question we discussed was: where do dogs go after they die?
Most theologians think that this question was definitively settled by the Don Bluth animated movie “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” However, I am sure there is at least one dog that won’t make the cut.
When our kids started begging for a dog, we tried to make them happy with some low-maintenance alternatives instead. I wanted a pet that I could leave at home while I went on vacation for three weeks and when I came back he wouldn’t even notice I was gone. We started with goldfish and those miniature turtles, but I wasn’t a very good pet owner. I had to look in the Goldfish Owners Manual (the “Troubleshooting” section) to see what it meant when the goldfish is floating at the top of the water. It also took me three turtles before I learned that they lived longer if you put those fake plastic palm trees into the aquarium with them. I guess it makes them believe they are on an island and might be rescued any minute.
Between the ages of 9 and 11 our boys always wanted lizards or snakes. But our girls always wanted hamsters or gerbils or white rats. I thought it odd that 11-year old girls were attracted to rodents. My wife claims it is God’s way of preparing them to be attracted to 12-year old boys. I used to be a 12-year old boy myself, so I know she is right.
Like most parents, we finally caved in and got a dog. We have owned four during the last 30 years and we had a lively discussion about their eternal reward. We all agreed that if any dogs go to heaven then our Maltese “Nikki” would go there. He was fun and obedient, and he always said please and thank you. He even entertained us by singing when I played the piano. That ability might come in handy in heaven if they have Talent Shows or Heaven’s Funniest Home Videos. I said that our Cocker Spaniel “Dusty” should definitely not go to heaven. He had a bad habit of biting people. This was not good for neighbor relations or homeowner premiums. I know some people say there is no such thing as a bad dog – just a bad dog owner. If that is the case, then maybe I shouldn’t go heaven. I am OK with that as long as Dusty isn’t with me.
If you have similar questions about animals in the afterlife, I recommend you see all three cartoons Don Bluth made on the subject. The first was, of course, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” The other two are “No Mosquitoes Go to Heaven” and “Cats Go Wherever They Want.”
David LeSueur lives in Littleton with his wife Mary and their dog Colby. The jury is still out on whether Colby will go to heaven.

I am not normally a risk taker, so I am a little embarrassed to admit what I did last month. First, I had a headache and took a Tylenol, then operated some heavy machinery. A few days later, I bought a new DVD player and installed it without first reading all of the safety instructions. Then last week, for the first time since September 1971, I didn’t balance my checkbook.
My bank reconciliation rebellion didn’t happen overnight. There have been signs of an internal struggle for several months now.
For example, you know how when you write out the amount of the check (“thirty-six and 35/100”) you draw a squiggly line to the end of the blank space? That prevents the person you write the check to from writing in “and one million dollars” in the empty space. Last month I stopped drawing that squiggly line. It suddenly seemed pointless. Besides, I don’t have a million dollars in my checking account.
I also stopped using ATMs. This angers my bank because fees are a major profit source. But I decided to boycott cash machines after getting frustrated once when I went to use my card at a different bank’s ATM. A little message came on the screen saying that my card wouldn’t work at that machine. Then the next month I saw that my bank charged me $5 for trying to use my card. Great - it costs me money to find out they won’t give me any money. I was going to call and complain but I’m sure there is a fee for that too.
Then I became disillusioned with our interest-earning checking account. Currently, the interest rate I get is .0000013%, compounded monthly. We earned $1.27 in interest last year. For this privilege, I pay $2 per month.
I made the actual decision to renounce reconciling last week. I was concerned about our spending and decided to look at our monthly budget for 2007. I use Quicken to track our finances and reconcile our bank statement. When I enter a check into the computer, I specify what kind of expense it is out of over 100 categories. Unfortunately, I have gotten lazy because the only budget categories that showed in the 2007 budget were House Payments and Miscellaneous Expenses. I printed a copy of the report to discuss with my wife.
“Look, honey,” I said. “We need to be careful. Let’s see if we can stay within our budget this month.”
“Sure,” she replied. “What have we been spending too much money on?”
With great solemnity I announced “We need to cut back on Miscellaneous Expenses!”
So I no longer will use Quicken to do my budget or to reconcile my monthly bank statement. I know that the only way to be sure you don’t bounce a check is to always reconcile your account and record all of the checks you write. But I am going to try a new approach. I won’t reconcile my checking account, but I will keep a higher balance to make bouncing checks less likely. And most importantly, I will never write a check for more than $1,000,000.
David LeSueur lives with his wife in Littleton.

My wife has been in 3 or 4 book clubs over the last 25 years and she has always enjoyed them. They are especially fun when the members have diverse backgrounds and opinions. Her clubs have had representatives from a wide variety of religions, political parties, ethnicities, and lifestyles. But there is one group that has been conspicuously absent from her clubs – men. So when we had the opportunity to be in a book club with four other married couples, we jumped at the chance.
The club has been going for almost a year and I now realize why men don’t join book clubs. When you are in a book club, you have to read books! To accommodate the men in our club we try to pick books that have come out on tape or have a good movie version. Our last book was 550 pages long and two hours before our meeting I had only read 53 pages. I came up with a great solution that I call the Gallup Reading Method. Gallup Polls tell us what 100 million Americans are thinking by talking to 1000 carefully selected people. Why not read just enough pages of the book to have an idea of what is going on? I decided to skip from page 53 to 60. Then I read all of the pages ending in zero. I was finished in an hour and a half.
I think I understood the book pretty well. The name of the book is The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. The main character’s name is Liesel and she is a book thief. I am not sure if she really stole books or if that was symbolic of something. The narrator of the book was Death, which probably was very meaningful. Rudy was in the book too and he was either Liesel’s brother or a boy friend. It is also possible he was her father, I am not sure. But they talked a lot. They lived in Germany and it talked about Hitler so it must have been in the 1930s or 1940s. So the novel was set in a real place and time, but the characters were fictional. Actually, it is possible it was a true story. Liesel was either Jewish or a Communist and that caused a lot of conflict for the book’s characters. Death made some profound statements about humanity on the last page. It sounded like Liesel was grown up and most of the other characters were dead. Or maybe they had just moved to New Jersey. The author didn’t make it very clear.
There were five men at book club. Two had read the book the old fashioned way. One listened to it on tape. One read the first 38 pages. People seemed to be impressed with my knowledge of the book so I felt comfortable confessing that I had only read the first 53 pages and all of the others ending in zero.
The discussion was lively and at the end the 38-pages-guy pointed out that he had made the highest number of comments per page read of anyone in the group. I said that it seemed like a very good book. One of the women suggested I should go back and read all of the pages that ended in 1. Everyone laughed. Ha ha. Very funny. I make an effort to read some of the book and all I get is ridicule.
Besides, I don’t have time to go back and read The Book Thief because I have to get started on the next book. It is 336 pages long, and I only have 3 months to read it. So 38-pages-guy and I made a secret pact. He is going to read the odd-numbered pages and I will read the even ones. Then we will get together for lunch on the day of our next book club and try to put it all together. It will be a little extra work, but at least I don’t have to read the whole book.
David LeSueur lives in Littleton and is currently reading the even-numbered pages of Arabian Jazz by Diana Abu Jaber.